Yesterday I had a small moment of epiphany: I realized that I am completely and utterly an all or nothing girl. That realization was quickly followed by the thought, "how well is that working for you?".
The truth is, it doesn't. At all. In fact, I would hazard a guess that choosing to be all or nothing makes me miserable at times. If I can't even compromise with myself, how well do I compromise with others?
Like, when I'm pregnant...clearly you can't live your life as you do when you are a non-pregnant person. But, for me, if I can't do things the way I normally do, I don't want to do them at all.
Exhibit A: Exercise: In my pre-child life I probably worked out 5 or 6 days a week and loved it. I felt good about myself and my body. Exercise helped me manage stress and unwind after a workday. Post-child and now in pregnancy number two, there is no way I have time to work out 5 or 6 times a week. So, what do I do? Embrace the times when I can work out? Nope. I tend to not do it. WTH? Why can't I just go when I can and accept that it won't be what it once was? While pregnant my body becomes slowly less and less able to do exercise in the way I am used to. So, now that walking makes my hips hurt, I have stopped doing even that. However, I know that leaves me feeling yucky mentally and physically and that walking a shorter distance is probably still possible. One mile instead of two, anyone?
Exhibit B: Singing: In my pre-child life I sang every day. I took lessons regularly, worked with a coach and performed several times a year. Post child, I can no longer sing every day, life just doesn't allow it. We moved and my teacher and coach are now too far away to realistically work with. Finances are different and it isn't possible to take lessons every week and work with a coach. So, have I embraced the time that I do have to sing? Nope. I've stopped doing it. I honestly can't see a way to make it work - in my mind if I can't function at the level I was, I'd rather not do it at all. Hmmm, then I spent a lot of time missing singing and wishing I had my old life back where I had time to do something I loved and was good at.
So, what gives. Why am I so all or nothing? I'd guess it is some form of perfectionism, though Lord knows in other parts of my life I am far from concerned with perfection. I can make a quilt and not worry if every line matches up perfectly. I can draw a picture and not worry about accurately depicting what I'm drawing. I can make dinner and fudge ingredients a bit if I don't have everything I need and still have faith it will taste just fine.
I guess the good news is I'm not an all around perfectionist. The bad news is I can't quite figure out how to be less-perfectionist in all parts of my life. Perhaps I need a mantra like 'some is better than none' and remind myself of that when I think about doing something but then stop because I don't know when I'll be able to do it again.
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