Between Myself

Lately a lot of thought has gone into jobs and money in this household. Ben has been in job contemplation mode since the summer of '09. I have been contemplating my professional future since having Ella 16 months ago. I think we both feel a desire to be fulfilled on many levels by our work, but lately, my thinking has switched to include the realistic element of earning money.

While we do fine during the school year, we will face a shortfall during the summer months when I'm not teaching. In the past I've always found some work, but looking back at what I've earned at those jobs, even something like that won't totally close the gap. What would is continuing to teach for most of June, July and August.

What I've also realized is that staying in this field may not be the best decision for our family. If I stay in it and stay at my current school, every year I will start the year not knowing how many students I will have and therefore I will not know how much I earn. There has been talk by the new head that he may cut the cost of lessons by around 20% and that would mean an equal pay cut for teachers. If I have a private studio only over the summer, I will need to recruit people each year - it seems less likely someone would want to do lessons over the summer and then nothing during the other 9 months of the year, so I anticipate retention being a bit of an issue. To keep private students during the school year I need a space in our home that I can use to teach without displacing my family, which is what would have to happen now. That leaves us not knowing what my income will be on an annual basis and the reality is my income is too important for us not to know how much it is going to be.

It will not be long before we need to live in a different space (hell, I'd say we need that right now). To move forward with our lives, possibly have another child (another topic I feel very between on), have room for our stuff and a functional kitchen all mean a bigger space, ideally one we own and that means a higher, more stable income. We are totally covered on the down payment end, just need to know we can afford the mortgage.

Where does that leave me? I am highly trained in this field. I have a kick ass CV with great experience. I'm smart. I'm talented. I have contacted people I know in the field to put my name out there. I've sent resumes cold to schools to see if there are any openings. No one is hiring, save for a possible 1 semester sabbatical replacement at a women's college.

How long does one hang on in a field that isn't giving you the opportunities you want? I finished graduate school in 2002 and so have been teaching for almost a decade (um, wow, now I feel kinda old). I'm at a point of feeling tired of stringing things together, receiving high praise from everyone I interact with, but not having the teaching situation I want.

All that said, the other option I've considered is going back into fund raising and working in development for an arts organization. Doing that would potentially solve all the issues I currently have - consistent and higher income; a few benefits, like retirement and paid vacation time; I'd have colleagues to work with and interact with daily ( the only people I currently see are my students and I want a social element to my job as well). But, those jobs would likely be full time and I walk away from this field that I've devoted so much time and energy to. That last thought hasn't felt very good yet.

I don't know where I'll end up in all this. I'm trying to tell myself to put it on the back burner until the school year ends in May and spend some time in the early summer assessing and seeing where to move (maybe by then my other half will know something about what his earnings/job will be and that will inform what I need to earn on an annual basis). However, as I started writing this at 6:30am after lying away thinking about it, I'm not quite succeeding in that. Stay tuned. Soonish I will no longer be between myself on this issue, I'm sure.

My New Babysitter

Oh, how the righteous have fallen. The child is watching television. Well, she's watching a DVD of the Wiggles. I never thought my kids would watch TV until they were at least 4 or 5 and then it would be Sesame Street or nothing. I had such lofty ideals. Then, my sister in law passed on her kid's copy of a Wiggles DVD, we got 70 inches of snow in about a month and in the interest of saving my sanity I agreed to let her watch it.

I can't stand listening to it. It grates on me. I don't mind the kids music CDs that we have, but this is not my favorite. However, she LOVES it. In fact, now, when in the living room, the first thing she does is run over to the entertainment center, pull on the knob and repeatedly say "yeah, yeah, yeah," at the top of her lungs which is how she tells you she wants something. If you say no, she cries. A lot. And you have to physically remove her from the room to keep it from going on.

The one advantage of this that I've discerned thus far is that I can put it on and then go in to get her dinner together and she is willing to watch it without me in the room. That also means she doesn't cling to my leg and sob while I put dinner together so I'll take it. On a few occasions I've put it in and then rolled out my yoga mat and done my practice next to her while she watches. If doing yoga to the Wiggles isn't the definition of practicing amidst the chaos, I don't know what is.

I realize that at a certain point she will just start watching television along with the rest of the free world, but I'm hoping to delay that a bit. Like, say, until the next 20 inch snow storm comes along. Then its all PBS, all day long.

Gah.

Okay ladies, I have a question. This may be a topic you don't care to discuss, but could someone please tell me if you have mastered the art of changing a tampon WHILE you have a toddler with grabby little fingers in the room with you????

Sigh. How long 'til I once again get to go to the bathroom alone?

Rigidity

My earlier post left me wondering what it was the was holding me back from doing things that I really like, like singing, but I could also add in yoga, quilting, etc.

The February issue of Yoga Journal arrived and one of the feature articles is Get Back on the Mat and it focuses on returning to a daily home yoga practice. As I read through it, I found myself identifying with the woman writing the article.

The opening line "what is yoga without practice?" resonated deeply. I have wondered that myself for the past many months. I have no regular yoga practice at the moment. When I was home over the summer, I tried to make time during one of Ella's 3 naps to do some yoga. Then, in the month when she was in daycare and I hadn't started teaching, I went to my teacher's yoga classes regularly. But, once the semester started, it all dried up and I feel the difference both mentally and physically. What is yoga without practice? When approaching a problem in my life I always stop to wonder how yogic thought might inform my issue and the solutions, but that's as much practice as I do these days. I am acutely aware that it isn't enough.

When the article got to the author saying "First, I have to come to grips with the hot mess of my life" I knew this was something I could relate to. She proceeds to tick off all the things that stand in her way of her practice. I can do that too - time and space top the list, but there's also the issue of distance - as in, it has been a damn long time since I've done it so what's the point of going back?

I've been aware of my obstacles but hadn't delved into the 'why' of them. The author talked with another prominent yoga teacher and came away realizing that she had created her own obstacles and it was her own RIGIDITY that was the problem, not the circumstances.

It gave me a new angle to contemplate my own issues, fit them into the rigidity frame and see what happens. Ah, ha, I thought, I can see how I am like that. For me, I want a space in our house that is dedicated to yoga, where I can have my yoga stuff, there isn't a lot of clutter around, there's room to move etc. etc. etc. Well, that isn't possible right now. My yoga room is gone to the kiddo and what I have, at most, is a 'mat space' when other things are pushed aside. I realize that I could pick up the space a bit and create some serenity, but really, the yogic challenge for me is how to be present to yoga while the rest of life continues to happen around me. As the article says "It is better to practice in chaos than not practice at all."

I also want time built into the week where I get a free pass from parenting to go and do a class. The class I want to go to is too early to get to when I have to do pickup and dinner with the kiddo so I've let go of that desire. There's another one I'm interested in, but it is on one of the three nights the Hubs usually goes to the gym. I haven't yet let go of that desire, but I have to admit I don't feel like it is worth bringing up because then life turns into a competition of who's wants are more important and that isn't a path I want to go down. A third option happens during dinner/bedtime on a weekend when we are both home, but it has been made clear to me that dinner and bedtime without me is not something the Hubs wants to deal with, so I haven't asked about that one either ( I know, dear readers, I need to start asking and just face the response).

Getting back into it, is just like singing. I have to shift my perspective to see there is value in however much practice I can fit into the week whether it is one time or 4. We'll see how things roll when school starts next week and if I can work my schedule to fit some yoga time in.

Return to Sender

Today is one of those days that makes me want to return my 'parent card' and just go back to being 'child free Sarah' who has all the time in the world to do whatever she damn well pleases. Perhaps this is somewhat influenced by having been up since 1 AM with my child who is either choosing to explore the extreme sport of sleep deprivation or getting a tooth. Perhaps it is also influenced by the 20 inches of snow we got this week that has entrapped me with said child for 4 out of 5 days.

Last July was the last time I was home alone for a solo week of parenting. These past few days have made me eternally grateful for my job. I am not, under any circumstances, meant to be a stay at home mom - at least not to a child age 15 months or younger. Especially one who has just dropped to taking only one nap a day, but really still needs two.

Its funny, actually, because I know I do a good job of being home with her. We sing, we dance, we read books, we run around, we bang on the piano, we play with tupperware, we make paperbag puppets. But, I don't enjoy it. I find myself feeling so resentful that I don't get to do anything that I want to do and also feel as though nothing has gotten done (a whole 'nother topic for a whole 'nother post as to why we are so enculturated to be do-ers yet don't see raising a human being as satisfactory 'doing'). That I can't just freaking sit down for 10 minutes or eat lunch when I want to, and not have someone scavenge off my plate while she throws what's on her tray to the floor, or the wall or take a shower without someone yanking the curtain back, thrusting her head in, thus soaking her upper body and shouting "HI" at the top of her GD lungs.

My mom came to visit today which is the only thing that saved the week for me. I had company that could speak in complete sentences, appreciated with a verbal recognition the pasta and bean soup I made and did not, at any time, shit her pants.

I feel small saying all this out loud on the interwebs, because my little one is such a delightful human being. She is generally so cheerful and fun and outgoing. Outside of being exhausted which makes her all meltdowny at the end of the day, she doesn't fuss or cry. She is getting very verbal and loves to try out new words - today's were "achoo" and "arf". Those are frequently followed up with a sentence that makes you want to reply 'meckaleckahimeckahineyho' because that's totally the way what she just said sounds like.

I get that she's an easy kid, but this experience still, often, pushes me to the limit. That's the reality. Parenting is hard. Some days are much better than others. This wasn't one of them. I'm fearful for tonight as I put her down at 6:25 and she's already been up crying twice.

This too shall pass and I hope it does soon. Otherwise this membership card is going back in the mail.

Arizona

The state has been on my mind, much like the rest of the country, I imagine.

Let me be clear, I do not watch the news. Many years ago I became tired of the incessant images of violence and death that pervade the evening news. Instead, I read it, mostly now on my iphone courtesy of the npr app and the boston.com app and read it sparingly. Well, now, my news sometimes comes from Facebook when people post articles that I find interesting and choose to read (like that one about being a Chinese mother WTH?). All of that is to say that I don't know intimate details of what happened because I don't watch CNN obsessively, or even watch the Today show with its considerable morning fluff mixed in with hard news.

All that caveat aside, what I've read about the Arizona shooting is that the incident has been 'politicized'. Everyone seems content to find blame for what happened in politics. There was an article about how Sarah Palin put a crosshairs on Giffords' location a while ago and people were connecting that with this man's impetus to shoot. Clearly, that was a stupid thing to do on Palin's part (surprise, surprise), but I don't know that is the reason why the event came to pass. I'm sure there's other rhetoric around the political-ness of the shooting, but I don't care to research it.

It seems to me it came to pass because a mentally ill person didn't get the help he needed and was instead walking around in a society in which he could not function. There is such a stigma that still exists about mental illness in this world and that strikes me as strange when you think about how many people deal with it at one time or another. (What a mentally ill man was doing with a gun is another kettle of fish as well). You could look at these issues as political, but I think the larger society can take some ownership here about what ideals we promote and all that.

As most people reading this know, my father committed suicide, now almost 11 years ago. As an adult I always thought of him as a 'glass half full' kind of guy, but I never thought he was suicidal - though his own father had also committed suicide. His action was taken after his second wife asked for a divorce and the reality of his life pushed him into a bad place - his therapist also put him on Prozac which had the opposite effect on him, I'm told by my uncle. The reality is, his violent act could well have been enacted on someone else (wife #2 most likely), but instead he turned it on himself.

Could this young man have made a similar choice? Did he go there that day intending to die himself? How long had he slipped through the cracks and not received treatment for his issues? What was going on in his world? Maybe he blamed politics for why he needed to do what he did. I don't know.

I'm somewhat curious to see what the defense will bring to trial. I don't agree with the insanity plea in murder cases - I do not think a sane person commits murder so as far as I'm concerned it should be taken off the table as a plea option.

The bottom line for me is when I read about these stories and think in a way that isn't political, I find I have compassion all the way around and wish a very public incident like this could open up a much needed dialogue in our world about mental illness and how we deal with it.

What are you waiting for?

This morning I had a small moment of epiphany.

While watching Biggest Loser I heard a contestant say "I just know if I'm given the chance, I can do this". I looked at her and realized that we all hold ourselves back from doing things because we are waiting for someone or something else to give us permission to change. In her case, she could, at any time, have chosen to change her eating habits and go to a gym, but something held her back. Now, here she is on the Biggest Loser and she considers this her chance to make a change.

What is something in your life that you want to change? Can you name it and then list all the reasons why you 'can't' do it?

I can. I really want to be singing again. My reasons why I don't are the following:
I can't practice every day.
We are trying to keep expenses down so I can't take a lesson every week and work with an accompanist.
I'm frequently exhausted from the Shorty's unpredictable sleeping.
I have reflux often from having to eat dinner so late.
When I'm home I feel as though my free time should be spent doing things around the house like cleaning, organizing or running errands.

Well, if I keep up that thought process I'm never, never going to sing again. That doesn't really solve the problem does it? If I keep thinking that way, I'm waiting for someone to show up and say, okay I'll be your night nurse so you can sleep, I'll clean your house for you, I'll be here on the days you are home with your child to give you an hour of time to be able to practice and I'll give you a chunk of money that is exempt from regular expenses to spend on your training. Silly.

There are some negotiables in there. The cleaning can wait or be done slightly less often. We, in fact, have plenty of money for me to use to do lessons, but it will have to come from savings (and, in the long run, if I sing more now I may go back to getting some paid singing gigs to underwrite the cost of my professional development).

The non-neogtiables have to do with the kiddo. Someday she will be a more consistent sleeper, but right now, it seems as though a few days after we enter a good stretch, she gets a cold, a tooth, doesn't nap well and therefore doesn't sleep well. The reality is I've functioned ok while being really tired and if I'm too tired, I should nap rather than practice. While I'm home with her, it is hard to practice. She's on the move, but I could try 10 minutes of vocalizing while she buzzes around and then spend some time singing songs with her so I'm using my voice.

I believe firmly in working hard to be good at something, but I can sing and perform even if I'm not practicing every day. I bet, as I get close to a performance, I could call on my network to take the Shorty so I could have more time to prepare.

Intellectually I get ALL of the above. So what is it that is holding me back? I gotta contemplate that one, but I'm tired of waiting.