Avidya

As usual, yoga journal has offered me an illuminating moment.

This month's wisdom column by Sally Kempton called "Who do you think you are" addresses the idea that we all have perceptions of who we are that actually limit us. Avidya is the yogic term for a basic ignorance about who we are and it makes us believe that the way we think or feel is reality. However, Kempton points out, we can step aside from those perceptions, see past them and liberate ourselves.

For me, this spoke so directly to my experience of motherhood. Having a child suddenly thrust me into this place of wondering who I was. The way I had identified myself in the past - professional, athletic, singer were all labels that no longer held up. I was not working full time. I was not exercising regularly and I wasn't singing. What I was, was miserable. When I couldn't fit myself into my previously held labels I struggled. I floundered and I felt like I had lost myself.

It all peaked for me in January of this year when I was stuck inside due to snow and illness. My semester of teaching was start and stop at best, there was no way to get out to go for even a short walk and I was mis.er.a.ble. I had so many moments of thinking I wanted to leave my life. Just walk out the door and go somewhere. I really have no idea where it was I thought I'd go, but in my mind, there was somewhere lovely and warm where I could sleep soundly, do whatever I wanted for days on end and not have a child who was unendingly needy and clingy while going through whatever illness, teething and whatnot.

That month was what brought me to knowing I needed to address all of the changes of the last two years and the backlash I was experiencing. Who would have ever thought that good fortune could cause misery? Okay, some of you could have told me that, I'm sure, but it certainly caught me by surprise.

It lead me to the happiness project. My project is largely informed by yoga and this article helps me to understand why. I can change all of the exteriors in my life, but it is what is on the inside that makes us happy or not. Making changes to places that are not working is important, but it isn't going to bring you lasting happiness, as I understand it.

So, as long as I hold onto the labels that 'helped' me in the past, I'm going to come up short. True Vidya is wisdom (and the opposite of Avidya). It is the moment when we realize we are connected to everything around us, that who we are is a divine spirit, not these earthly labels that do nothing but box us in. We are so much more than we believe ourselves to be.

Recognizing the Avidya is the first step. I have had many moments in month one of the happiness project where I feel as though I'm standing aside observing myself. "Really," I'll wonder, do you need to get short fused over the Shorty's crying? You could choose to react differently." Or in an interaction with the Hubs, I'll find myself thinking "you know, that wasn't the most charitable response, you can do better than that." It has been interesting to say the least.

I've been meditating at least 5 days a week and some days are more enlightening than others (I still fall asleep sometimes with the lunchtime meditation). One day I came out of meditation realizing that I have in no way recognized what a powerful person I am, that I am so much more capable than I give myself credit for. When I shared this at the dinner table, the Hubs responded "that's what I've been trying to tell you."

Another suggestion Kempton makes in the article is that the thoughts you have in your head when you first wake up shape how your day is going to go. So, when I awaken, rather than turning to how tired I feel, I think "I'm going to have a great day" or try to put some energy into being grateful for the sleep I did get.

I know my patterns of 37 years aren't going to go quietly into that good night, but I think the recognitions I've made are a major step forward. Through recognizing my avidya, I can begin to be aware, make some small changes and when I ask the question, "What is the real source of happiness?" I suspect the answer will be different than it ever was in the past.