Taking Responsibility

In the days that have passed since the oil explosion in Florida, two articles have caught my eye and made me really think.

One was on NPR (I can't find it on their site now) where a reporter went to upstate NY to talk with people to see whether they felt any personal responsibility for the oil spill - by and large, they didn't. The other was an Op-Ed Column in the New York Times that also addresses the topic of responsibility - and was inspired by a letter a man wrote owning some responsibility for the dependence on oil, that creates situations like the drilling that went awry.

It is my belief that as individuals who drive cars we each bear some responsibility to what happened. As a society we don't seem to get it that oil is a finite resource. It isn't something that will just go on forever and ever. Regardless of where it comes from, we are overly dependent on it. It baffles me to see people driving giant SUV's and trucks (especially in the city, but that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish). What on earth makes someone buy a car that isn't fuel efficient? If you have 9 kids, I kinda get it, but if you have 3? What happened to station wagons and mini-vans? Why do we keep sending the message to car manufacturers that what they are making is a-okay for us?

There are so many elements that tie together for me in looking at the significance of this oil spill. It is time to address the level to which we have become fat, lazy Americans. Our bodies and lives have supersized as corporations sent us the message that they should. Dinner plates went from 9" to 12", our homes were scaled up to massive proportions, the standard deck-of-cards size serving of meat has more than doubled. In fact, fast food vendors even offered to 'super-size it' for us. It stands to reason then, that the evolution of the SUV went hand in hand with all that. The rise of wealth in the 80's and 90's meant more people with money to burn and a desire to show it off to the Joneses.

Now, we have a country full of people who never walk to do an errand, who rely on fast food full of unhealthy meat, chemicals and crap to feed a family, need big cars to accommodate their big asses as they drive to every place they need to go and are going to require major levels of health care to deal with the health issues that come with obesity and aging. And when we drive, we head out in big, huge vehicles that leave major carbon footprints.

I've also read the controversy over boycotting BP stations as they are owned individually and then a small business owner suffers. Well, I think it is time to question working for corporations that employ unethical practices - don't we each have a responsibility to question the ethics of places we are going to work and patronize? Perhaps these BP station owners would like to explore becoming retailers of biofuel or something else?

Why are we, as Americans, so resistant to letting go of our addiction to oil? Why are people meeting the Cape Wind project with lawsuit after lawsuit because it will mar their view or encroach on supposed tribal territory or simply add a few cents to the energy we pay for? Shouldn't we be saying 'great, let's go for it and let's explore how we can capture the energy of the ocean current at the same time to bring in wind and ocean energy together for even more power'?

It baffles me. I walk to do errands whenever possible. I keep the thermostat as low as my husband will allow so we conserve oil. I hang my laundry to dry. Lights are turned off when not in the room. Most things are plugged into power strips that can be turned off when not in use. I shop at the farmer's market to eat locally and organically when possible. Meat is consumed minimally and we don't eat red meat in this house to avoid the antibiotics and e-coli that come with cattle slaughtered when they are covered in the manure they've just stood in up to their bellies for their entire lives. For the most part I try to eat food, not food products each day. I exercise regularly to stay healthy.

Do I think I own part of the disaster in the gulf? You bet. Does it make me think twice when I get into my car to drive? Without a question. Am I motivated to use less energy and oil so we might leave a planet that isn't about to implode to my daughter and her children? Without a doubt.

What kind of responsibility do you accept?

One Wish

If I had one wish for my daughter it would be that she never sprouts facial hair.

I know our culture is a bit obsessed with hair removal, but on the topic of facial hair I am so right there. I'm enculturated. I believe. I agree. And I admit I don't totally get it, but am willing to play along nicely.

Standard eyebrow waxes aside, there is something that transpires as one ages. It is the phenomenon of finding a 3 foot long whisker somewhere in your facial region, that you are sure wasn't there yesterday and don't understand how it didn't poke your train seatmate in the eye, blinding them. The phenomenon must be linked to the hormonal transitions a woman's body goes through as she ages. Though menopause isn't likely to hit until you are in your 50's the decline of estrogen is a slow, steady one. There must also be an element of genetics at play. Some people are just born more fuzzy than others. As a result of all this I don't know a woman over the age of 30 who hasn't invested in a good pair of tweezers and spent some time every morning surveying the landscape to see what may have grown overnight. God forbid you skip a day, because that's the day you'll find it in the middle of some important meeting and suddenly feel like there's a spotlight on your chin.

I wish for my daughter to not have to deal with all that. Sadly, though, given her genetics, she probably will. Maybe by the time she's 35 they'll have advanced laser removal and you will be able to just walk in and zap whatever you want, not discover it in the middle of the day and wonder how long it has been there and no one has told you.

If you just read this and said 'oh gross' it is because YOU AREN'T OLD ENOUGH. Or you are descended from some tribe of hairless individuals and I don't want to be your friend anymore.

A meeting of my minds

Yes. Those. My two minds. The one that is educated, outspoken, progressive, a fan of women's rights and then the other that is a fan of all things pop culture; in particular the Real Housewives of Wherever....

I've watched them all, - OC, New York, Atlanta, New Jersey. Bravo recently aired a season of the New York housewives which I dvr'd and watched on the sly, knowing that the hubs has ZERO interest in any of what he would likely refer to as 'drivel'. The New Jersey ladies are just starting their new season.

I would be hard pressed to put my finger on what it is about the Real Housewives that I like. The women couldn't be further from who I am. Their lives couldn't be further than mine. Yet, I find it intriguing. In a train wreck kind of way. I start rubber necking at what I see on the screen and I can't turn away.

This morning as I started to watch the New York Reunion Part 1 episode my other mind decided to speak up. It didn't really have nice things to say. The reunion episode brings the housewives of each season together for a live look-back at the episodes. As is no shock, they focus on the conflict and what is shown in retrospect is brought to life with new vim and vigor in the studio. What my second mind began to shout at the first is, "They've made the grown up version of mean girls. Turn it off, turn it OFF, TURN IT OFF."

These women do nothing but snipe and back bite and bitch about each other. They pass judgment on how each other lives, on the choices they make in men, on the clothes they wear, on whether the other is crazy (Um, hello, pot? This is kettle....).

As soon as mind 2 shouted at mind 1 the whole damn thing just lost its appeal. I can't pretend anymore that I don't see the horrible message the show is sending to the world about women and their relationships. It paints women in an unflattering light and in particular, I think, hunts up these women who are bound to have conflict with each other, thus making for good TV for suckers like me.

So, I turned it off.

Day One, Ground Zero

Yesterday was a big day. Got my voice examined to see what has happened since last July when my reflux was so bad that I couldn't sing above an E5. That reflux stayed throughout the pregnancy and continued a bit into nursing. Right now the biggest challenge comes from having to eat dinner so late because I don't start cooking until after I've put her down and not many hours elapse before I'm comatose for the night.

The good news is it was all good news. Structurally, things are fine. There is much less swelling and the inter-arytenoid area is only mildly red. The doctor was pretty pleased and also commented on how nice it all looked given what he usually sees.

The biggest challenge is how to get back to singing after being away for nearly 2 years. TWO YEARS. Wow, how did that happen? Well, I know how it happened, but still! My goal is to spend 10-15 minutes warming up most days of the week.

Today was day one. I put Ella in the living room where she could see me, surrounded by toys and headed to the piano. I did some laryngeal massage as I know my neck is tight from my shoulder/arm tension from holding her so much. Then I did some lip trills, slides and runs gradually extending from the A below middle C, up to F5. Since I have no gigs on the books, I'm not pushing anything.

I suspect this experience will feel a lot like going back to exercising after having a kid. In that, my body felt so very different and foreign.(SIDEBAR: Now, though, almost 8 months post-partum, I'm running farther, lifting on a more regular basis, have a waistline to speak of and am THIS CLOSE to getting into all of my old clothes again. Tops fit, but some pants are still not able to be buttoned up.) This morning it was another new experience of this body. Breathing is different, my ribs are different. I'm just different! So, I'm going to put on my persistent hat, celebrate the small victories and slowly return to being a singer without focusing on what I'm going to do with it, why I'm doing it or how I'm going to make it happen. It just will be.

Talking my way out of a circle...

It is easy to get caught in a loop that seems to have no exit. I feel that way about my work life right now.

In the fall I'd like to work 4 days a week earning enough money to pay for daycare and bring money in over and above that.

Right now voice teaching at Harvard is my only concrete thing and that has some significant cracks. My former thriving studio of 22 students shrank down to 14 this term and 6 of those just graduated. There are some other issues in the form of space to teach. I have space for full days Weds and Thurs and a partial day on Tuesday, but nothing on Monday. The teaching is also only for 20 weeks of the year. Not exactly a full year's work.

Now, I could conceivably find another school to teach at for 2 days of the week and just try to fill two days at Harvard. However, applying for a voice teaching position means I need 4-5 songs prepared to sing as part of the interview. The obstacles here are: I still have reflux and not much of a voice. Practice time is also non-existent in my daily life because I am with Ella all day. I'd hoped to do some voice lessons this summer, but my voice teacher is about to have vocal surgery and isn't sure when she'll be back to teaching. I need to get my voice looked at but have to make an appt. and then find a sitter - which has thus far not worked so well for things like the dentist where I've had to cancel and reschedule several times just so I can go. If I need to do speech therapy to get back on track how do I find a way to get there at least once a week? Given all that how do I get my voice back?

Right now daycare centers are signing up for fall 2010. I'm in the position of needing to commit to daycare which will range in cost from $1200-$1600 a month without knowing that I have guaranteed income to at least pay for it let alone bring the over and above in. So how do I sign up for daycare?

Despite spending a lot of time each day contemplating (worrying, fretting, whatever you want to call it) about my work life, I can't find a way out to make things work. Are these obstacles that can be overcome or do I throw in the towel on the world of singing and voice teaching and look for a regular 9-5 desk job? I hate the idea of walking away from something that I'm highly trained in and pretty good at but what's a girl to do?

Add in to all of this my frequent somewhat desperate desire to feel like myself again in some part of my life. I don't know what piece comes first and go in circles rather than stepping off the continuous loop to take a step forward.

Not So Much

Last night was interview number 2 with the Bubs Foundation. I like what they are trying to do. Much of the position would offer an interesting professional challenge. The board members seem friendly, committed and like good workers. The big, big problem, is that their conception of the job is one that would only require 3 hours a week. BUT they want the moon. They seem to have no sense of how much time anything will take to do things right and move the operation from grassroots to something that could be rolled out nationally. They also have limited funds and probably need to do some fundraising targeted at funding this position before really rolling it out.

I need a job that will provide me with 2 days of work starting either now or in the fall and will pay me enough to make it worth putting Ella in daycare. And, sadly, this position ain't it.

It is back to the drawing board on the job front.

Whining for a moment

Here's my whiny moment: I CANNOT get rid of the last 8 pounds of pregnancy weight. I've upped my exercise and try to go 4-5 days a week and the scale does not budge. Instead it dips a few pounds, goes back up and so on.

Over the past 6 months I've tried to adopt a more laid back attitude about the weight loss, telling myself, it'll come off in time etc. etc. But, here we are entering the summer season where I have, count 'em, ZERO items of summer clothing that fit on my bottom half. As it is, I have 2 pairs of pants and one pair of jeans that currently fit me and they are now a bit big because I bought them 5 pounds ago. I have some t-shirts from early pregnancy that I can wear, but I'm still nursing a bit so my upper half is also not its regular size (and, Oh. My. God. the sag!!).

Let me be clear, I do not think I am obese. I am well aware that I am within the normal weight range for someone who is my height. The issue is I have a freakin' closet full of clothes that I like and cannot wear. If we were completely wealthy I'd probably just say screw it and go buy a wardrobe of clothes for this size and then I'd just have them. But, I'm not, and don't feel like we have a ton of extra right now for me to invest in clothes. It seems most expedient to just lose the weight, but my body is not cooperating (or isn't yet).

While I know I'm not fat, I also know not being able to fit into my regular clothes makes me feel bad about myself. I don't feel particularly attractive in general right now, what with the constant bags under my eyes, bits of spit up etc on me in random spots (cuff of my pants right now from a little projectile spit up while E was in my lap), dull skin. When I so much as mention any of this to the hubs I get a response in his annoyed voice about how I look better than most women who haven't had babies etc. Because he seems to get annoyed with me whenever I bring it up, I tend to keep it to myself, but once in a while, I spill and talk about it. It never has a good ending.

Today I went and bought another tshirt, but I tried on pants and the shape of my lower half is just weird and places I used to purchase pants, have pants that don't currently work with my shape. So, back I go to do some working out and attempting to lose the remainder. Several people have also mentioned that your body holds onto a bit while you are nursing, so hopefully as this month winds down and Ella is switched over to bottle feeding some of the rest will come off (at least my boobs will shrink, right?).

Eeesh, if women have to go through pregnancy and childbirth, you'd think mother nature could reward us with bodies that just return to size quickly and easily in repayment for what we just made.