Talking my way out of a circle...

It is easy to get caught in a loop that seems to have no exit. I feel that way about my work life right now.

In the fall I'd like to work 4 days a week earning enough money to pay for daycare and bring money in over and above that.

Right now voice teaching at Harvard is my only concrete thing and that has some significant cracks. My former thriving studio of 22 students shrank down to 14 this term and 6 of those just graduated. There are some other issues in the form of space to teach. I have space for full days Weds and Thurs and a partial day on Tuesday, but nothing on Monday. The teaching is also only for 20 weeks of the year. Not exactly a full year's work.

Now, I could conceivably find another school to teach at for 2 days of the week and just try to fill two days at Harvard. However, applying for a voice teaching position means I need 4-5 songs prepared to sing as part of the interview. The obstacles here are: I still have reflux and not much of a voice. Practice time is also non-existent in my daily life because I am with Ella all day. I'd hoped to do some voice lessons this summer, but my voice teacher is about to have vocal surgery and isn't sure when she'll be back to teaching. I need to get my voice looked at but have to make an appt. and then find a sitter - which has thus far not worked so well for things like the dentist where I've had to cancel and reschedule several times just so I can go. If I need to do speech therapy to get back on track how do I find a way to get there at least once a week? Given all that how do I get my voice back?

Right now daycare centers are signing up for fall 2010. I'm in the position of needing to commit to daycare which will range in cost from $1200-$1600 a month without knowing that I have guaranteed income to at least pay for it let alone bring the over and above in. So how do I sign up for daycare?

Despite spending a lot of time each day contemplating (worrying, fretting, whatever you want to call it) about my work life, I can't find a way out to make things work. Are these obstacles that can be overcome or do I throw in the towel on the world of singing and voice teaching and look for a regular 9-5 desk job? I hate the idea of walking away from something that I'm highly trained in and pretty good at but what's a girl to do?

Add in to all of this my frequent somewhat desperate desire to feel like myself again in some part of my life. I don't know what piece comes first and go in circles rather than stepping off the continuous loop to take a step forward.

Not So Much

Last night was interview number 2 with the Bubs Foundation. I like what they are trying to do. Much of the position would offer an interesting professional challenge. The board members seem friendly, committed and like good workers. The big, big problem, is that their conception of the job is one that would only require 3 hours a week. BUT they want the moon. They seem to have no sense of how much time anything will take to do things right and move the operation from grassroots to something that could be rolled out nationally. They also have limited funds and probably need to do some fundraising targeted at funding this position before really rolling it out.

I need a job that will provide me with 2 days of work starting either now or in the fall and will pay me enough to make it worth putting Ella in daycare. And, sadly, this position ain't it.

It is back to the drawing board on the job front.

Whining for a moment

Here's my whiny moment: I CANNOT get rid of the last 8 pounds of pregnancy weight. I've upped my exercise and try to go 4-5 days a week and the scale does not budge. Instead it dips a few pounds, goes back up and so on.

Over the past 6 months I've tried to adopt a more laid back attitude about the weight loss, telling myself, it'll come off in time etc. etc. But, here we are entering the summer season where I have, count 'em, ZERO items of summer clothing that fit on my bottom half. As it is, I have 2 pairs of pants and one pair of jeans that currently fit me and they are now a bit big because I bought them 5 pounds ago. I have some t-shirts from early pregnancy that I can wear, but I'm still nursing a bit so my upper half is also not its regular size (and, Oh. My. God. the sag!!).

Let me be clear, I do not think I am obese. I am well aware that I am within the normal weight range for someone who is my height. The issue is I have a freakin' closet full of clothes that I like and cannot wear. If we were completely wealthy I'd probably just say screw it and go buy a wardrobe of clothes for this size and then I'd just have them. But, I'm not, and don't feel like we have a ton of extra right now for me to invest in clothes. It seems most expedient to just lose the weight, but my body is not cooperating (or isn't yet).

While I know I'm not fat, I also know not being able to fit into my regular clothes makes me feel bad about myself. I don't feel particularly attractive in general right now, what with the constant bags under my eyes, bits of spit up etc on me in random spots (cuff of my pants right now from a little projectile spit up while E was in my lap), dull skin. When I so much as mention any of this to the hubs I get a response in his annoyed voice about how I look better than most women who haven't had babies etc. Because he seems to get annoyed with me whenever I bring it up, I tend to keep it to myself, but once in a while, I spill and talk about it. It never has a good ending.

Today I went and bought another tshirt, but I tried on pants and the shape of my lower half is just weird and places I used to purchase pants, have pants that don't currently work with my shape. So, back I go to do some working out and attempting to lose the remainder. Several people have also mentioned that your body holds onto a bit while you are nursing, so hopefully as this month winds down and Ella is switched over to bottle feeding some of the rest will come off (at least my boobs will shrink, right?).

Eeesh, if women have to go through pregnancy and childbirth, you'd think mother nature could reward us with bodies that just return to size quickly and easily in repayment for what we just made.