This post comes with small caveat for all two of you who read it: I'm going to disclose something in it that is not yet public knowledge, so feel free to email me about it, but please don't post it on Facebook!
Of late, I've spent a lot of time wondering about the point of my life. Deep, I know. But really, it gives me pause when I think about it, because I have NO IDEA what the answer is. I realize the simplistic stupidity of this statement, but I've always felt like I am meant to do something extraordinary with my life. Never have I been able to define what that extraordinary thing is, but the feeling has always been there.
I began working when I graduated from college and haven't stopped, but nothing has ever felt like the extraordinary job where I make a difference in the world. Then, I had a child and extraordinary took a back seat to survival. Now, I'm 2 plus years into being her mom and staring down the next 30 weeks before #2 arrives (yep, big reveal, not ready to go Facebook level public with it, though).
Juggling working with being a mom is not without its complications and, though I want to work, professional life doesn't seem particularly compatible with mommy-hood. So I guess my conundrum is this: is the point of my life to be an excellent worker or to be an excellent mom? I am thus far not convinced that the standards I hold for each allow for the other to be possible.
Professionally, I want to be high achieving, hard working and committed to my job. As a mom I want to be involved, present, making healthy meals, developing young people who will be citizens of the world. It doesn't feel like the two can co-exist without it coming at a cost to someone or something - either work loses, or the child loses or worst of all, I lose.
Work doesn't feel family friendly and family friendly doesn't feel like it allows for work. Working part-time seems like it should fit the bill, but my current part-time work is no picnic and when I look at other jobs, they are all low level, low paying and don't exactly fill the 'extraordinary' category of what I'm capable of or interested in doing. If I want to be extraordinary and make a difference in a tangible way, the jobs I see are full time. So, do I want that as a worker or is that what I think professional life should be?
Over the years I've evolved and the career path I chose to go down way back in 1998 is no longer my understanding of where I need to be. I have learned so much more about the world and realize that the passion one needs for something like performing has probably never been present in me the way it should to want to make singing a career and teaching has begun to feel like a poor alternative. I find myself ignited though, when I think about issues like poverty and hunger and the effects they have on women and children. I understand the need for all humans to have the chance to live healthy lives in a way I have never understood dressing up in costumes and parading around on stage. So, I get that professionally, if I'm going to go the route of working, I need to make a change. We won't even delve into what it is like to go on a job interview in your first trimester of pregnancy and how/when do you reveal in the process that shortly after you would start working for them you'd be leaving to pop a kid out.
Thinking about the issue of my life and its purpose has also circled around to the issue of whether the mom I want to be is really the mom I think I should be: super mom. The mom who does crafts, makes things for her child in the way of clothing, curtains, sweaters, goes to the library regularly, takes her child to music classes, exposes her regularly to new foods. I enjoy all of those things, but it doesn't feel like enough for me to satisfy my existence. And, honestly, there are many times I find being home for a whole day alone with a child totally smothering. Other days it is nice to fruit around, stay in our jammies, read stories, change pretend poopy diapers and nap.
Would I ever give up working to raise kids? I think I would feel like I'm giving up if I did that. Financially it probably isn't an option, but staring down the cost of two in daycare, even part-time, my current job won't cover it and it seems unlikely from what I've seen of what's out there that any other part-time job would cover it. So, if I work full time, what do I do with my super mom tendencies?
Some other women must wrestle with this and many probably don't. I started writing this two weeks ago and now today is international women's day. Maybe this day will bring some enlightenment to what feels like such a clouded issue. I could sure use some illumination on how to proceed!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Swan Song?
I'm beginning to wonder if this semester is shaping up to be my swan song from voice teaching at Harvard and maybe from the field.
In my eight years there nothing has changed to make teaching there better and the reality is, nothing will. The University isn't suddenly going to allot more room to teachers. The students aren't suddenly going to start showing up weekly for their lessons and understand that when they sign up they are committing to the semester and therefore, to my income and when they quit out of the blue, I'm out income. The Director of the Choral Program isn't suddenly going to become a strong leader, interested in people's teaching and in professional development for voice teachers. The other teachers aren't suddenly going to be interested in collaborating and communicating about voice teaching to have a cohesive department.
Those are all things that I know I need to keep teaching. I've hoped for a long time, particularly when the leadership turned over, that it could come to fruition, but clearly, it ain't happening. Six students dropped this semester, and one week in I've already have many last minute cancellations leaving me twiddling my thumbs for hours. There's no communication from above except the occasional run in when he'll launch into how expensive the program is and it isn't sustainable to pay us what we are paid blah, blah, blah. My commute is now longer and rather than just taking the bus to work I now have to pay for gas, tolls and parking in a garage in Cambridge - the garage alone can run anywhere from $13-$25 a day. I find teaching days draining rather than inspiring.
Not much to recommend staying, yes? I have a hard time letting go of it though. I think I'm a good teacher, with a lot to offer and I've worked hard over the last decade to become such. Each semester I start with new hope that maybe I'll find the right balance of how much to teach each day and how to teach in a way that I'll not feel drained of creativity at the end of the day. I took a sabbatical leave position last term at another school in the hopes it might build a connection to get me out of Harvard. I met some nice people and enjoyed working in a more 'legit' situation, but nothing came of it. It seems as though no one is retiring from schools where lessons are offered for credit and there are no openings ever. None of it seems to be panning out. I have fewer students than ever this term due to many people dropping and just received an email from a new student saying she isn't continuing, despite signing up for the term.
The question is, what on earth would I do if I leave voice teaching? Our household needs two incomes and I also think I'm a mom who needs to have some professional outlet to be a better parent. I want a job that will give me flexibility with my young family, but also prove to be satisfying. It would be nice to use some skills and abilities that I have cultivated in my professional life in my next position.
Any suggestions? Thoughts?
In my eight years there nothing has changed to make teaching there better and the reality is, nothing will. The University isn't suddenly going to allot more room to teachers. The students aren't suddenly going to start showing up weekly for their lessons and understand that when they sign up they are committing to the semester and therefore, to my income and when they quit out of the blue, I'm out income. The Director of the Choral Program isn't suddenly going to become a strong leader, interested in people's teaching and in professional development for voice teachers. The other teachers aren't suddenly going to be interested in collaborating and communicating about voice teaching to have a cohesive department.
Those are all things that I know I need to keep teaching. I've hoped for a long time, particularly when the leadership turned over, that it could come to fruition, but clearly, it ain't happening. Six students dropped this semester, and one week in I've already have many last minute cancellations leaving me twiddling my thumbs for hours. There's no communication from above except the occasional run in when he'll launch into how expensive the program is and it isn't sustainable to pay us what we are paid blah, blah, blah. My commute is now longer and rather than just taking the bus to work I now have to pay for gas, tolls and parking in a garage in Cambridge - the garage alone can run anywhere from $13-$25 a day. I find teaching days draining rather than inspiring.
Not much to recommend staying, yes? I have a hard time letting go of it though. I think I'm a good teacher, with a lot to offer and I've worked hard over the last decade to become such. Each semester I start with new hope that maybe I'll find the right balance of how much to teach each day and how to teach in a way that I'll not feel drained of creativity at the end of the day. I took a sabbatical leave position last term at another school in the hopes it might build a connection to get me out of Harvard. I met some nice people and enjoyed working in a more 'legit' situation, but nothing came of it. It seems as though no one is retiring from schools where lessons are offered for credit and there are no openings ever. None of it seems to be panning out. I have fewer students than ever this term due to many people dropping and just received an email from a new student saying she isn't continuing, despite signing up for the term.
The question is, what on earth would I do if I leave voice teaching? Our household needs two incomes and I also think I'm a mom who needs to have some professional outlet to be a better parent. I want a job that will give me flexibility with my young family, but also prove to be satisfying. It would be nice to use some skills and abilities that I have cultivated in my professional life in my next position.
Any suggestions? Thoughts?
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