Friday, December 9, 2011
Homeownership
Buying a house is infinitely more stressful than getting married when pregnant or having a baby. I'm just sayin'.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
All I want for Christmas
All the day-after Thanksgiving sales have started to be advertised on TV. They make me want to throw up. How people in our society have been convinced to get up at 3am to go to Walmart and buy crap is just beyond me.
Recently, I read Mountains Beyond Mountains the story of what Paul Farmer is doing in Haiti. He and his work are both mind blowing. One thing he says in the book that really stuck with me is, to paraphrase, 'for some to have more, everyone has to have less'. Simple, but the more I thought about it the more profound and true it became. I have this thought a lot when I read about the occupy wallstreet movement. If everyone who makes a lot makes a little less, that money could go to help people - not just handouts, but to educate, train and contribute to society. Most of the 99% could probably even live with less and help those who are living below the poverty line.
From reading I've done over the years in books by people like Muhammad Yunus (BANKER TO THE POOR), Nick Christof (HALF THE SKY) and Greg Mortenson (THREE CUPS OF TEA - Yeah, I know he is controversial right now, but the point of his book is true regardless of how his personal life unfolds), the general consensus seems to be this: the way out of poverty and suffering is to educate girls and train women to become workers and entrepreneurs. When women earn money they put it back into their family, spending on food and education for their children. From these books I've also gleaned that there is suffering and then there is suffering.
It is very tempting to complain about one's life. I know I get easily caught up in it, but the perspective I've gained from these books makes a little voice in my head chime in every time I start to whine about something. It says, "Sarah, stop. Your problems are so small relative to those who have real, life threatening issue to deal with. Shut up and enjoy the lovely life you lead." Or something like that. My suffering, no matter how big it seems to me is nothing compared to what women in many countries experience. They can't feed their families, or give birth safely or have potable water, or avoid gang rape. My feeling bad about not getting to the gym for 10 weeks while I'm teaching retreats to the corners of my mind a bit when I stop and think about a world bigger than just me.
When I see the black Friday ads on television I get a little mad. Why is the almightly dollar king and why are people made to think they need to stand in the freezing cold for that new Playstation, when there are people standing in the freezing cold because they don't have a home?
This year I am considering telling my family I want nothing for Christmas. It was hard enough coming up with birthday wants a few weeks ago. I need nothing and there isn't much I want either. What I would love though, is to know a woman in Rwanda could have adequate prenatal care and give birth safely. That a girl in Afghanistan could go to school and learn to read and write. That a family in Honduras had chickens to give them eggs to eat and sell.
Would anyone else go for this? I'm curious to know if others would give up their pile of Christmas presents so other total strangers could eat and drink and live life a little more safely.
If you would, here are some great organizations to consider:
Heifer International
Partners in Health
Million Moms Challenge
Room to Read
Recently, I read Mountains Beyond Mountains the story of what Paul Farmer is doing in Haiti. He and his work are both mind blowing. One thing he says in the book that really stuck with me is, to paraphrase, 'for some to have more, everyone has to have less'. Simple, but the more I thought about it the more profound and true it became. I have this thought a lot when I read about the occupy wallstreet movement. If everyone who makes a lot makes a little less, that money could go to help people - not just handouts, but to educate, train and contribute to society. Most of the 99% could probably even live with less and help those who are living below the poverty line.
From reading I've done over the years in books by people like Muhammad Yunus (BANKER TO THE POOR), Nick Christof (HALF THE SKY) and Greg Mortenson (THREE CUPS OF TEA - Yeah, I know he is controversial right now, but the point of his book is true regardless of how his personal life unfolds), the general consensus seems to be this: the way out of poverty and suffering is to educate girls and train women to become workers and entrepreneurs. When women earn money they put it back into their family, spending on food and education for their children. From these books I've also gleaned that there is suffering and then there is suffering.
It is very tempting to complain about one's life. I know I get easily caught up in it, but the perspective I've gained from these books makes a little voice in my head chime in every time I start to whine about something. It says, "Sarah, stop. Your problems are so small relative to those who have real, life threatening issue to deal with. Shut up and enjoy the lovely life you lead." Or something like that. My suffering, no matter how big it seems to me is nothing compared to what women in many countries experience. They can't feed their families, or give birth safely or have potable water, or avoid gang rape. My feeling bad about not getting to the gym for 10 weeks while I'm teaching retreats to the corners of my mind a bit when I stop and think about a world bigger than just me.
When I see the black Friday ads on television I get a little mad. Why is the almightly dollar king and why are people made to think they need to stand in the freezing cold for that new Playstation, when there are people standing in the freezing cold because they don't have a home?
This year I am considering telling my family I want nothing for Christmas. It was hard enough coming up with birthday wants a few weeks ago. I need nothing and there isn't much I want either. What I would love though, is to know a woman in Rwanda could have adequate prenatal care and give birth safely. That a girl in Afghanistan could go to school and learn to read and write. That a family in Honduras had chickens to give them eggs to eat and sell.
Would anyone else go for this? I'm curious to know if others would give up their pile of Christmas presents so other total strangers could eat and drink and live life a little more safely.
If you would, here are some great organizations to consider:
Heifer International
Partners in Health
Million Moms Challenge
Room to Read
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Living a Yogic Life
The start of school is upon me. I'm three weeks into teaching at Wellesley and go tonight to sign new students up at Harvard. In general I like teaching people to sing, but there have been days where I end feeling as though there is something that is just missing.
That has lead me to contemplate what else I might do. Is there something I might feel more fulfilled doing? When I assess the things I am interested in, 3 categories emerge. One is music/the voice/teaching and performing, one is arts/crafts and kids and the other is yoga/social justice/the world at large.
My life and my family, what demands there are upon me and how I want to meet the needs of my family are huge considerations when I contemplate my career. I can see ways that each category can meet those needs, whether it is through the flexibility of voice teaching or the same schedule of kiddos by teaching in a pre-school situation where I could cut, glue and craft all day long.
In thinking about yoga, I realize that it feels less important to me to work as a yoga teacher than it does to live a yogic life. But, what, exactly does that mean? Here's what I've come up with so far:
I'd like to shift back to eating a more heavily vegetarian diet.
Strive to lower my impact on the world.
Develop a regular yoga practice that includes at home and part of a studio.
Cultivate a meditation practice.
Learn to hold in my mind the tenants of yoga that I studied in my certification program so I perhaps walk through each day with a different experience.
I think all of this is about striving for balance in life and learning to recognize when balance has tipped and make the subtle shifts required to put the bubble back in the middle of the level (now I've probably mixed way too many metaphors). Maybe by attempting some of these things I'll find that the missing gap is closed.
That has lead me to contemplate what else I might do. Is there something I might feel more fulfilled doing? When I assess the things I am interested in, 3 categories emerge. One is music/the voice/teaching and performing, one is arts/crafts and kids and the other is yoga/social justice/the world at large.
My life and my family, what demands there are upon me and how I want to meet the needs of my family are huge considerations when I contemplate my career. I can see ways that each category can meet those needs, whether it is through the flexibility of voice teaching or the same schedule of kiddos by teaching in a pre-school situation where I could cut, glue and craft all day long.
In thinking about yoga, I realize that it feels less important to me to work as a yoga teacher than it does to live a yogic life. But, what, exactly does that mean? Here's what I've come up with so far:
I'd like to shift back to eating a more heavily vegetarian diet.
Strive to lower my impact on the world.
Develop a regular yoga practice that includes at home and part of a studio.
Cultivate a meditation practice.
Learn to hold in my mind the tenants of yoga that I studied in my certification program so I perhaps walk through each day with a different experience.
I think all of this is about striving for balance in life and learning to recognize when balance has tipped and make the subtle shifts required to put the bubble back in the middle of the level (now I've probably mixed way too many metaphors). Maybe by attempting some of these things I'll find that the missing gap is closed.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Dear Church People
I have a thing or two to say to the people who decide how UCC job searches proceed. I get the length of time they can take. You've got a group of volunteers who all have busy lives and finding times to get everyone together can be a challenge. When you then also have to interview multiple candidates, it can easily become 9 weeks between interviews.
I wish there were some standards beyond the ones that exist. If I were in charge, there would be periodic contact with candidates between week one and week nine when you call the candidate to tell them you want to interview them again. I would add that interviewing the minister's wife is completely archaic and so not necessary.
However, what I really, really take issue with is that you expect a minister to say yes to a job WITHOUT TELLING HIM THE SALARY. That is so freaking beyond ridiculous. Not a single person on the search committee would ever agree to do a job without knowing the salary. No person should have to do that! All the minister knows is the range of pay which can be as much as a 30,000-40,000 spread.
Really, I get that ministers are supposed to be called to do the work they do. Hopefully everyone finds their calling in life and pursues it. But, no matter how much you are called, you have a family that has financial needs and you need to know what you'll be paid. Bills don't go away just because you are a minister.
So, note to thee UCC, start making job offers that come with salary offers before you waste anyone else's time.
I wish there were some standards beyond the ones that exist. If I were in charge, there would be periodic contact with candidates between week one and week nine when you call the candidate to tell them you want to interview them again. I would add that interviewing the minister's wife is completely archaic and so not necessary.
However, what I really, really take issue with is that you expect a minister to say yes to a job WITHOUT TELLING HIM THE SALARY. That is so freaking beyond ridiculous. Not a single person on the search committee would ever agree to do a job without knowing the salary. No person should have to do that! All the minister knows is the range of pay which can be as much as a 30,000-40,000 spread.
Really, I get that ministers are supposed to be called to do the work they do. Hopefully everyone finds their calling in life and pursues it. But, no matter how much you are called, you have a family that has financial needs and you need to know what you'll be paid. Bills don't go away just because you are a minister.
So, note to thee UCC, start making job offers that come with salary offers before you waste anyone else's time.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Duly Noted
Over the weekend I made a big realization. The balance has tipped in the parenting department. I'm finally at a point where the good is outweighing the challenging. With a 20 month old I'm finally starting to feel like I enjoy this parenting thing.
I always thought I would, but then an infant dropped into my lap and dear Jaysus, it was so not fun. I can see the challenge of the twos on the horizon, but I feel like if I can hold onto the knowledge that infancy ended, so too will the terrible twos and I will again love my child and her awesomeness.
Because, let me tell you, she is all kinds of awesome. From the moment she wakes up til the second she closes her eyes to sleep at night she is a non-stop party. We sing, we dance, we paint shit, we walk a toy shopping cart loaded up with stuffed doggies up and down the street, we stalk the neighbors kitty, we go to the library and walk circles around the stacks lugging various stuffed bears, we swing at the playground for hours on end, we go for walks and proclaim "DOGGIE" at the top of our lungs for each and every dog we pass. And we talk.
Oh, do we talk. For a while it was long strings of 'huminamijigakayakabugabagiba', then slowly a 'mommy' or 'daddy' was worked on to the end of the string. Now she'll issue little phrases; 'daddy sleeping', 'mommy shoe', 'daddy work', 'mo-mo pa'ta' (more pasta), 'mo-mo peeta' (more pretzels. You name it, she two word phrases it and once in a while let's loose with a string of nonsense. Typically issued with one hand on her hip and the other wagging its pointer finger at you.
It is a hoot like you can't even imagine. I just love this little bug and her awesomeness so much. Even when she wakes me up for the day at 4 am. Even when she scream cries at my feet while I'm trying to make dinner. It is just all good.
I always thought I would, but then an infant dropped into my lap and dear Jaysus, it was so not fun. I can see the challenge of the twos on the horizon, but I feel like if I can hold onto the knowledge that infancy ended, so too will the terrible twos and I will again love my child and her awesomeness.
Because, let me tell you, she is all kinds of awesome. From the moment she wakes up til the second she closes her eyes to sleep at night she is a non-stop party. We sing, we dance, we paint shit, we walk a toy shopping cart loaded up with stuffed doggies up and down the street, we stalk the neighbors kitty, we go to the library and walk circles around the stacks lugging various stuffed bears, we swing at the playground for hours on end, we go for walks and proclaim "DOGGIE" at the top of our lungs for each and every dog we pass. And we talk.
Oh, do we talk. For a while it was long strings of 'huminamijigakayakabugabagiba', then slowly a 'mommy' or 'daddy' was worked on to the end of the string. Now she'll issue little phrases; 'daddy sleeping', 'mommy shoe', 'daddy work', 'mo-mo pa'ta' (more pasta), 'mo-mo peeta' (more pretzels. You name it, she two word phrases it and once in a while let's loose with a string of nonsense. Typically issued with one hand on her hip and the other wagging its pointer finger at you.
It is a hoot like you can't even imagine. I just love this little bug and her awesomeness so much. Even when she wakes me up for the day at 4 am. Even when she scream cries at my feet while I'm trying to make dinner. It is just all good.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Coupon Craze
Several people I'm connected to on Facebook have joined in with the extreme couponers and like to post the results of their shopping trips - 125 boxes of pasta for $2, a package of hair dye for $.99! - they proclaim, posting pictures of their haul.
I'm struggling to understand the value of shopping this way. I wonder if these are products they use or if they're purchasing them because they are on sale and then also need to go out and buy the things they actually need?
I've read articles where people have cleared the shelves of a Walgreens of all toilet paper just because they can get it for a penny (or something like that). Why? It seems like this concept can just create another obsessive disorder where people buy huge quantities of shit and don't know what to do with it. I guarantee none of these people are urban dwellers who live in small spaces.
There's also this thing called "greed" that keeps popping into my mind. If you are clearing shelves of items aren't you denying someone else the chance to get something that they need. Does anyone need THAT much toilet paper in their house?
It also seems like most of the grocery coupons that they brag about are for processed, crappy food. So, great, you have 900 cans of spaghettios, but you are none the healthier for it.
I dunno, the whole thing is just a bit beyond me.
I'm struggling to understand the value of shopping this way. I wonder if these are products they use or if they're purchasing them because they are on sale and then also need to go out and buy the things they actually need?
I've read articles where people have cleared the shelves of a Walgreens of all toilet paper just because they can get it for a penny (or something like that). Why? It seems like this concept can just create another obsessive disorder where people buy huge quantities of shit and don't know what to do with it. I guarantee none of these people are urban dwellers who live in small spaces.
There's also this thing called "greed" that keeps popping into my mind. If you are clearing shelves of items aren't you denying someone else the chance to get something that they need. Does anyone need THAT much toilet paper in their house?
It also seems like most of the grocery coupons that they brag about are for processed, crappy food. So, great, you have 900 cans of spaghettios, but you are none the healthier for it.
I dunno, the whole thing is just a bit beyond me.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Month Two Roundup
We are 5 days into May and I haven't had a chance to sit down and reflect on April's "Put your own oxygen mask on first". Did I make it to not feeling quilty about doing things? Sort of
1. Have lunch with a friend once a week
Done and done. Except for that week that I lay on the couch ridiculously ill with strep throat and conjunctivitis. But I saw people and talked and it was good.
2.Engage in activities that give me joy.
I did try some yoga OnDemand and except for the time I was sick (ok so that really stretched over almost 3 weeks) I did sing every week. I took 2 voice lessons which was also great. I went the gym when I could which was, frankly, not often enough, but we were also outside more being active which totally counts as exercise in my book.
3. Schedule girly time.
Done. got my eyebrows done and set up another appointment. My hair is being cut next week - first time since December 4 I realized earlier this week...
4. Try something totally new
Did it. I tried a few new recipes. I didn't get out and have an adventure like I'd hoped and I've realized in the past few weeks how much I miss that about my current life, but there's still time for that.
5. Have a date night once a month.
Done. We went to hear a concert and out to dinner. We also scheduled a few adult only dinners after the Shorty was in bed and that was nice to just have conversation instead of having a toddler shout 'cheers' and try to clink her sippy cup against your wine glass. We also have a date night scheduled for this coming weekend and another in the middle of the month.
So, did I do these things without feeling guilty. Sort of. I think it is far more ingrained in my nature than can be undone in one month. But, I did speak up, ask for more things I wanted and go for it a bit more. I will probably always have to be mindful of this as I move through life. It is too easy to end up doing for everyone else and not for you.
The one place I didn't succeed was setting up a time to do something fun with Kat. Our lives are just too busy and that takes way more advance planning.
1. Have lunch with a friend once a week
Done and done. Except for that week that I lay on the couch ridiculously ill with strep throat and conjunctivitis. But I saw people and talked and it was good.
2.Engage in activities that give me joy.
I did try some yoga OnDemand and except for the time I was sick (ok so that really stretched over almost 3 weeks) I did sing every week. I took 2 voice lessons which was also great. I went the gym when I could which was, frankly, not often enough, but we were also outside more being active which totally counts as exercise in my book.
3. Schedule girly time.
Done. got my eyebrows done and set up another appointment. My hair is being cut next week - first time since December 4 I realized earlier this week...
4. Try something totally new
Did it. I tried a few new recipes. I didn't get out and have an adventure like I'd hoped and I've realized in the past few weeks how much I miss that about my current life, but there's still time for that.
5. Have a date night once a month.
Done. We went to hear a concert and out to dinner. We also scheduled a few adult only dinners after the Shorty was in bed and that was nice to just have conversation instead of having a toddler shout 'cheers' and try to clink her sippy cup against your wine glass. We also have a date night scheduled for this coming weekend and another in the middle of the month.
So, did I do these things without feeling guilty. Sort of. I think it is far more ingrained in my nature than can be undone in one month. But, I did speak up, ask for more things I wanted and go for it a bit more. I will probably always have to be mindful of this as I move through life. It is too easy to end up doing for everyone else and not for you.
The one place I didn't succeed was setting up a time to do something fun with Kat. Our lives are just too busy and that takes way more advance planning.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Beathing Deeply
In my guilt free month, here's what I've done so far and what I've learned:
Lunch with a friend: Check, check and check. Last week I actually had two different lunch dates. It is lovely to reconnect with people and feel like you are a part of things again. It is something to work at as it isn't easy to schedule when my time is limited, but is very worth it. Kat and I have picked a day to get together too, though we haven't decided exactly what, yet.
Engage in activities that give me joy:
I've done yoga several times this week at home. A class continues to be problematic, so I'm on the hunt for one to just try out. I've sung a bit, but my March cold hit me hard and I still have a dry cough and vocal cords that show the results. This weekend I've got a lesson scheduled and from there will decide whether or not to go to the Laryngologist to be looked at. I've also been doing some of the Artist's Way, and have found it helpful - mostly morning pages at this point and the first chapter of the book. My resolution to perform this year is coming along a bit as I've identified some music I want to sing and have some other stuff to look through with the pianist once I get my voice up and running again.
Schedule time for girly upkeep.
Done. Went to get my eyebrows done and scheduled a follow up for this month. I know I need to get my haircut too since I can't remember the last time I did that, but I'm going to wait until I'm done teaching and have time during the week to go.
Try something new:
I've tried several new recipes, but I realize what I really meant by the try something new thing was to do something by myself that is new. So that still has yet to happen. Maybe it will be a yoga class and I'll kill two birds with one stone?
Have a date night at least once:
We did that this past weekend with a night out for Sushi (first one since Barf Fest Nov '10 the night before which Sushi was consumed by the Hubs and he hasn't been able to touch it since). It was so nice to sit with a glass of wine, out in public and dine with no child around. We then went to hear a symphony play and ended the night by walking through the Pru and stopped in the BodyShop where I got some Shea butter lotion to try and calm my ridiculously dry, awful skin.
Technically we have another date night this coming week because it is parent's night at the Shorty's daycare and I tacked an hour on to the request to the sitter so we can go get a drink after. And we already have one for May because my inlaws offered us their Symphony tickets to hear Berlioz's Romeo and Juliet.
All in all it has been a pretty good month. There's a lot of change looming on the horizon, but I hope it will come to fruition soon as we feel ready to move on. I'm done teaching in about 2 weeks and will take the remainder of May to unwind and then teach summer students through to August (unless we are moving). In the fall I've been offered a job at Wellesley teaching for one semester and I'm excited to do that. It will add one day on to my two days of teaching at Harvard and could lead to good things, my instincts tell me. The issue of the second child is also up for debate, but we need to solidify some other things first.
In terms of last month's things, I've kept up and the kiddo has been sleeping better so that has helped (save for this last week's bad cold/teeth). I've been reading (just finished The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind, exercising as I can - Jillian Michael's 30 day shred, run a mile, go to the gym, we've been out of the house a lot and it is all good! I also got a pill organizer (hello, I'm an 80 year old woman) and put in my multivitamin, calcium, Vit D, and Flax so I have a better shot at remembering to take them. So far so good for 3 out of 4 days. I've also been meditating and find it makes an amazing difference. If done at lunch on a work day, the afternoon goes so much better. If done in the morning before being home with the Shorty, the day is far more enjoyable.
Lunch with a friend: Check, check and check. Last week I actually had two different lunch dates. It is lovely to reconnect with people and feel like you are a part of things again. It is something to work at as it isn't easy to schedule when my time is limited, but is very worth it. Kat and I have picked a day to get together too, though we haven't decided exactly what, yet.
Engage in activities that give me joy:
I've done yoga several times this week at home. A class continues to be problematic, so I'm on the hunt for one to just try out. I've sung a bit, but my March cold hit me hard and I still have a dry cough and vocal cords that show the results. This weekend I've got a lesson scheduled and from there will decide whether or not to go to the Laryngologist to be looked at. I've also been doing some of the Artist's Way, and have found it helpful - mostly morning pages at this point and the first chapter of the book. My resolution to perform this year is coming along a bit as I've identified some music I want to sing and have some other stuff to look through with the pianist once I get my voice up and running again.
Schedule time for girly upkeep.
Done. Went to get my eyebrows done and scheduled a follow up for this month. I know I need to get my haircut too since I can't remember the last time I did that, but I'm going to wait until I'm done teaching and have time during the week to go.
Try something new:
I've tried several new recipes, but I realize what I really meant by the try something new thing was to do something by myself that is new. So that still has yet to happen. Maybe it will be a yoga class and I'll kill two birds with one stone?
Have a date night at least once:
We did that this past weekend with a night out for Sushi (first one since Barf Fest Nov '10 the night before which Sushi was consumed by the Hubs and he hasn't been able to touch it since). It was so nice to sit with a glass of wine, out in public and dine with no child around. We then went to hear a symphony play and ended the night by walking through the Pru and stopped in the BodyShop where I got some Shea butter lotion to try and calm my ridiculously dry, awful skin.
Technically we have another date night this coming week because it is parent's night at the Shorty's daycare and I tacked an hour on to the request to the sitter so we can go get a drink after. And we already have one for May because my inlaws offered us their Symphony tickets to hear Berlioz's Romeo and Juliet.
All in all it has been a pretty good month. There's a lot of change looming on the horizon, but I hope it will come to fruition soon as we feel ready to move on. I'm done teaching in about 2 weeks and will take the remainder of May to unwind and then teach summer students through to August (unless we are moving). In the fall I've been offered a job at Wellesley teaching for one semester and I'm excited to do that. It will add one day on to my two days of teaching at Harvard and could lead to good things, my instincts tell me. The issue of the second child is also up for debate, but we need to solidify some other things first.
In terms of last month's things, I've kept up and the kiddo has been sleeping better so that has helped (save for this last week's bad cold/teeth). I've been reading (just finished The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind, exercising as I can - Jillian Michael's 30 day shred, run a mile, go to the gym, we've been out of the house a lot and it is all good! I also got a pill organizer (hello, I'm an 80 year old woman) and put in my multivitamin, calcium, Vit D, and Flax so I have a better shot at remembering to take them. So far so good for 3 out of 4 days. I've also been meditating and find it makes an amazing difference. If done at lunch on a work day, the afternoon goes so much better. If done in the morning before being home with the Shorty, the day is far more enjoyable.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Woah
I found myself doing a little math over the weekend.
On Friday I went to meet with a woman who talked with me about a possible job. I really liked her and think, in many ways, she could be a fabulous boss and mentor for me as I walk through this next part of my life.
Here's where the math comes in. The job is full time and when I calculated the cost of having two children in daycare while I worked full time, I arrived at the shocking figure of $42,000 dollars per year. G.U.L.P.
Overall, I don't want to be working full time while we have young children and who knows if we'll have a second, but that is the general plan and it will likely happen sometime in the next year, otherwise my ovaries will be shrunken and gone. I have to make some calls to other daycare centers in towns we may move to, to see if their costs are any lower, but I'm guessing they aren't by a significant enough margin. Sooooooo, that pretty much puts that particular job in the 'no' category.
On Friday I went to meet with a woman who talked with me about a possible job. I really liked her and think, in many ways, she could be a fabulous boss and mentor for me as I walk through this next part of my life.
Here's where the math comes in. The job is full time and when I calculated the cost of having two children in daycare while I worked full time, I arrived at the shocking figure of $42,000 dollars per year. G.U.L.P.
Overall, I don't want to be working full time while we have young children and who knows if we'll have a second, but that is the general plan and it will likely happen sometime in the next year, otherwise my ovaries will be shrunken and gone. I have to make some calls to other daycare centers in towns we may move to, to see if their costs are any lower, but I'm guessing they aren't by a significant enough margin. Sooooooo, that pretty much puts that particular job in the 'no' category.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Put yer own oxygen mask on first
That is the subject of this month's happiness project and by April 30, I hope to add a tag line of "how I got over feeling guilty".
Happy wife, happy life, they say or happy mommy, happy baby. Yet, when I think about doing things for myself, I often shy away because I feel guilty - for asking for time away, for spending money on a non-necessity etc etc. When I do finally have time to myself I feel like I should rush through it so I can get back home where I have responsibilities.
So, if I imagined a guilt free world, here's what it would look like and I'll attempt this for the month of April.
Have lunch once a week with a friend - I started this one a week early by seeing my friend Julie and loved catching up with her. I'll add to this one to get together and do something fun with Kat once this month.
Engage in activities that give me joy no matter how long it has been since I've done them or when I'll get to do them again: Try different yoga classes and teachers. Sing something every week.
I've always been someone who sticks with what they know, yet I love trying and learning new things. Stepping out of my self constructed box and trying new things in this world could mean: taking a hot yoga class (so I might throw up, who cares?), trying a yin yoga class or a vinyasa class. Singing has been a challenge usually due to time but of late because of illness and the length of time it is taking me to get healthy. Hopefully I'm on the upswing and will be capable of vocalizing this month.
Schedule time for those girly upkeep things like haircuts and eyebrows.
I always feel guilty asking for time on the weekends, but am then miserable when I don't do anything or get some time alone. Perhaps if I put those items on the calendar they will happen and I won't feel badly about them.
Try out something totally new.
Maybe it is a concert, or listening to a new kind of music, going to the rock climbing gym, making a new recipe or doing a class. Who knows, just try it.
Have date night at least once this month.
Most nights during the week we see each other for some length of time, but it is brief and not devoted to each other and involves things like bathing the child, cleaning up the kitchen or sitting comatose in front of the tube. So time doing something we enjoy is a good way to reconnect and is something that has to be prioritized or it won't happen.
Happy wife, happy life, they say or happy mommy, happy baby. Yet, when I think about doing things for myself, I often shy away because I feel guilty - for asking for time away, for spending money on a non-necessity etc etc. When I do finally have time to myself I feel like I should rush through it so I can get back home where I have responsibilities.
So, if I imagined a guilt free world, here's what it would look like and I'll attempt this for the month of April.
Have lunch once a week with a friend - I started this one a week early by seeing my friend Julie and loved catching up with her. I'll add to this one to get together and do something fun with Kat once this month.
Engage in activities that give me joy no matter how long it has been since I've done them or when I'll get to do them again: Try different yoga classes and teachers. Sing something every week.
I've always been someone who sticks with what they know, yet I love trying and learning new things. Stepping out of my self constructed box and trying new things in this world could mean: taking a hot yoga class (so I might throw up, who cares?), trying a yin yoga class or a vinyasa class. Singing has been a challenge usually due to time but of late because of illness and the length of time it is taking me to get healthy. Hopefully I'm on the upswing and will be capable of vocalizing this month.
Schedule time for those girly upkeep things like haircuts and eyebrows.
I always feel guilty asking for time on the weekends, but am then miserable when I don't do anything or get some time alone. Perhaps if I put those items on the calendar they will happen and I won't feel badly about them.
Try out something totally new.
Maybe it is a concert, or listening to a new kind of music, going to the rock climbing gym, making a new recipe or doing a class. Who knows, just try it.
Have date night at least once this month.
Most nights during the week we see each other for some length of time, but it is brief and not devoted to each other and involves things like bathing the child, cleaning up the kitchen or sitting comatose in front of the tube. So time doing something we enjoy is a good way to reconnect and is something that has to be prioritized or it won't happen.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I surrender. I can change.
It is the end of month one, ENERGY month. Here's the roundup of it went:
**Instead of ...cleaning up...organizing...doing data entry...watching tv...doing laundry, LIE DOWN and try to nap.** I did this a few times. Twice I napped and once I just lay down for a while. In general, the Shorty has slept better so I've been able to sleep through the night as well and my need for napping has been less. An off shoot of this was the decision to watch much less television. While home on maternity leave I got used to DVRing a bunch of shows so I'd have something to do while the little one slept or nursed, but that habit continued. I don't need it and don't want it anymore, so it has gone away.
**Always have a good book to read**
This has been a resounding success. I've read four books and am most of the way through another. What I've read: THE ISLAND, SUPER RICH, A DISCOVERY OF WITCHES, POSER and am almost done with MOMMA ZEN. I do so love getting lost in a good story, so three of the books provided that. The other two have been food for thought, so to speak.
**Go to bed when you are tired, no matter what time it is**
This is hard, but not for the reasons I initially thought. It just takes time to do stuff at night. Get organized, get the Shorty's lunch together, have dinner, talk with the Hubs, return emails, calls etc. Some nights I've turned in 15 minutes early, but again, with the better night's sleep, I don't feel as though I need to go to bed earlier.
**Get out of the house every day**
This has also been a success. Nicer weather helps to facilitate, so did a week in Florida. Just this week on Monday we went to a play space from 10-11 and then for a walk up to the library at 2, and back by way of having a snack at the local coffee shop. Nicer weather is just the best.
**On the subject of eating:
Return to a low sugar diet
Return to eating minimal processed foods
Take time to get something healthy - walk all the way past the pantry to the refrigerator
Drink enough water and start the day with a glass of warm water**
My diet is lower sugar, but not no sugar as it was in the past. I've worked hard to drink more water and often succeed. I've tried to plan a good balance of vegetarian and non-vegetarian meals and have leftovers for lunch - I love a substantial lunch and sandwiches have never been my favorite. I would say I'm more aware of the choices I'm making which is good.
**On the topic of exercise:
Walk instead of drive
Go to the gym when I can
Go to a yoga class every week
Fit in a few days a week of home yoga practice**
I have walked places when I can. The gym continues to be a challenge. There's one day of the week and one day of the weekend when I know I can go. Once the weather is good enough to be out on the days I'm home, I won't care as much. I have found a yoga class and have gone several times on the weeks we are home. One big realization was that the time I have free is after Ella goes to bed. I'm trying to incorporate yoga and meditation into my daily life and that's the time it is apt to have to happen. So we'll see if I can do it.
**Act like I have more energy**
There were definitely moments that I needed to do this and tried.
Overall, this month was as much about consciousness raising as anything. I've taken to adopting mantras on various occasions. The one in the title was today's, in reaction to what I read in Momma Zen and it was the focus of my meditation at lunch. I feel as though I have become an observer of myself and am frequently present enough to be aware of what I'm saying and how I could choose another path.
So that's that. Up next, Putting My Own Oxygen Mask On First.
**Instead of ...cleaning up...organizing...doing data entry...watching tv...doing laundry, LIE DOWN and try to nap.** I did this a few times. Twice I napped and once I just lay down for a while. In general, the Shorty has slept better so I've been able to sleep through the night as well and my need for napping has been less. An off shoot of this was the decision to watch much less television. While home on maternity leave I got used to DVRing a bunch of shows so I'd have something to do while the little one slept or nursed, but that habit continued. I don't need it and don't want it anymore, so it has gone away.
**Always have a good book to read**
This has been a resounding success. I've read four books and am most of the way through another. What I've read: THE ISLAND, SUPER RICH, A DISCOVERY OF WITCHES, POSER and am almost done with MOMMA ZEN. I do so love getting lost in a good story, so three of the books provided that. The other two have been food for thought, so to speak.
**Go to bed when you are tired, no matter what time it is**
This is hard, but not for the reasons I initially thought. It just takes time to do stuff at night. Get organized, get the Shorty's lunch together, have dinner, talk with the Hubs, return emails, calls etc. Some nights I've turned in 15 minutes early, but again, with the better night's sleep, I don't feel as though I need to go to bed earlier.
**Get out of the house every day**
This has also been a success. Nicer weather helps to facilitate, so did a week in Florida. Just this week on Monday we went to a play space from 10-11 and then for a walk up to the library at 2, and back by way of having a snack at the local coffee shop. Nicer weather is just the best.
**On the subject of eating:
Return to a low sugar diet
Return to eating minimal processed foods
Take time to get something healthy - walk all the way past the pantry to the refrigerator
Drink enough water and start the day with a glass of warm water**
My diet is lower sugar, but not no sugar as it was in the past. I've worked hard to drink more water and often succeed. I've tried to plan a good balance of vegetarian and non-vegetarian meals and have leftovers for lunch - I love a substantial lunch and sandwiches have never been my favorite. I would say I'm more aware of the choices I'm making which is good.
**On the topic of exercise:
Walk instead of drive
Go to the gym when I can
Go to a yoga class every week
Fit in a few days a week of home yoga practice**
I have walked places when I can. The gym continues to be a challenge. There's one day of the week and one day of the weekend when I know I can go. Once the weather is good enough to be out on the days I'm home, I won't care as much. I have found a yoga class and have gone several times on the weeks we are home. One big realization was that the time I have free is after Ella goes to bed. I'm trying to incorporate yoga and meditation into my daily life and that's the time it is apt to have to happen. So we'll see if I can do it.
**Act like I have more energy**
There were definitely moments that I needed to do this and tried.
Overall, this month was as much about consciousness raising as anything. I've taken to adopting mantras on various occasions. The one in the title was today's, in reaction to what I read in Momma Zen and it was the focus of my meditation at lunch. I feel as though I have become an observer of myself and am frequently present enough to be aware of what I'm saying and how I could choose another path.
So that's that. Up next, Putting My Own Oxygen Mask On First.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Avidya
As usual, yoga journal has offered me an illuminating moment.
This month's wisdom column by Sally Kempton called "Who do you think you are" addresses the idea that we all have perceptions of who we are that actually limit us. Avidya is the yogic term for a basic ignorance about who we are and it makes us believe that the way we think or feel is reality. However, Kempton points out, we can step aside from those perceptions, see past them and liberate ourselves.
For me, this spoke so directly to my experience of motherhood. Having a child suddenly thrust me into this place of wondering who I was. The way I had identified myself in the past - professional, athletic, singer were all labels that no longer held up. I was not working full time. I was not exercising regularly and I wasn't singing. What I was, was miserable. When I couldn't fit myself into my previously held labels I struggled. I floundered and I felt like I had lost myself.
It all peaked for me in January of this year when I was stuck inside due to snow and illness. My semester of teaching was start and stop at best, there was no way to get out to go for even a short walk and I was mis.er.a.ble. I had so many moments of thinking I wanted to leave my life. Just walk out the door and go somewhere. I really have no idea where it was I thought I'd go, but in my mind, there was somewhere lovely and warm where I could sleep soundly, do whatever I wanted for days on end and not have a child who was unendingly needy and clingy while going through whatever illness, teething and whatnot.
That month was what brought me to knowing I needed to address all of the changes of the last two years and the backlash I was experiencing. Who would have ever thought that good fortune could cause misery? Okay, some of you could have told me that, I'm sure, but it certainly caught me by surprise.
It lead me to the happiness project. My project is largely informed by yoga and this article helps me to understand why. I can change all of the exteriors in my life, but it is what is on the inside that makes us happy or not. Making changes to places that are not working is important, but it isn't going to bring you lasting happiness, as I understand it.
So, as long as I hold onto the labels that 'helped' me in the past, I'm going to come up short. True Vidya is wisdom (and the opposite of Avidya). It is the moment when we realize we are connected to everything around us, that who we are is a divine spirit, not these earthly labels that do nothing but box us in. We are so much more than we believe ourselves to be.
Recognizing the Avidya is the first step. I have had many moments in month one of the happiness project where I feel as though I'm standing aside observing myself. "Really," I'll wonder, do you need to get short fused over the Shorty's crying? You could choose to react differently." Or in an interaction with the Hubs, I'll find myself thinking "you know, that wasn't the most charitable response, you can do better than that." It has been interesting to say the least.
I've been meditating at least 5 days a week and some days are more enlightening than others (I still fall asleep sometimes with the lunchtime meditation). One day I came out of meditation realizing that I have in no way recognized what a powerful person I am, that I am so much more capable than I give myself credit for. When I shared this at the dinner table, the Hubs responded "that's what I've been trying to tell you."
Another suggestion Kempton makes in the article is that the thoughts you have in your head when you first wake up shape how your day is going to go. So, when I awaken, rather than turning to how tired I feel, I think "I'm going to have a great day" or try to put some energy into being grateful for the sleep I did get.
I know my patterns of 37 years aren't going to go quietly into that good night, but I think the recognitions I've made are a major step forward. Through recognizing my avidya, I can begin to be aware, make some small changes and when I ask the question, "What is the real source of happiness?" I suspect the answer will be different than it ever was in the past.
This month's wisdom column by Sally Kempton called "Who do you think you are" addresses the idea that we all have perceptions of who we are that actually limit us. Avidya is the yogic term for a basic ignorance about who we are and it makes us believe that the way we think or feel is reality. However, Kempton points out, we can step aside from those perceptions, see past them and liberate ourselves.
For me, this spoke so directly to my experience of motherhood. Having a child suddenly thrust me into this place of wondering who I was. The way I had identified myself in the past - professional, athletic, singer were all labels that no longer held up. I was not working full time. I was not exercising regularly and I wasn't singing. What I was, was miserable. When I couldn't fit myself into my previously held labels I struggled. I floundered and I felt like I had lost myself.
It all peaked for me in January of this year when I was stuck inside due to snow and illness. My semester of teaching was start and stop at best, there was no way to get out to go for even a short walk and I was mis.er.a.ble. I had so many moments of thinking I wanted to leave my life. Just walk out the door and go somewhere. I really have no idea where it was I thought I'd go, but in my mind, there was somewhere lovely and warm where I could sleep soundly, do whatever I wanted for days on end and not have a child who was unendingly needy and clingy while going through whatever illness, teething and whatnot.
That month was what brought me to knowing I needed to address all of the changes of the last two years and the backlash I was experiencing. Who would have ever thought that good fortune could cause misery? Okay, some of you could have told me that, I'm sure, but it certainly caught me by surprise.
It lead me to the happiness project. My project is largely informed by yoga and this article helps me to understand why. I can change all of the exteriors in my life, but it is what is on the inside that makes us happy or not. Making changes to places that are not working is important, but it isn't going to bring you lasting happiness, as I understand it.
So, as long as I hold onto the labels that 'helped' me in the past, I'm going to come up short. True Vidya is wisdom (and the opposite of Avidya). It is the moment when we realize we are connected to everything around us, that who we are is a divine spirit, not these earthly labels that do nothing but box us in. We are so much more than we believe ourselves to be.
Recognizing the Avidya is the first step. I have had many moments in month one of the happiness project where I feel as though I'm standing aside observing myself. "Really," I'll wonder, do you need to get short fused over the Shorty's crying? You could choose to react differently." Or in an interaction with the Hubs, I'll find myself thinking "you know, that wasn't the most charitable response, you can do better than that." It has been interesting to say the least.
I've been meditating at least 5 days a week and some days are more enlightening than others (I still fall asleep sometimes with the lunchtime meditation). One day I came out of meditation realizing that I have in no way recognized what a powerful person I am, that I am so much more capable than I give myself credit for. When I shared this at the dinner table, the Hubs responded "that's what I've been trying to tell you."
Another suggestion Kempton makes in the article is that the thoughts you have in your head when you first wake up shape how your day is going to go. So, when I awaken, rather than turning to how tired I feel, I think "I'm going to have a great day" or try to put some energy into being grateful for the sleep I did get.
I know my patterns of 37 years aren't going to go quietly into that good night, but I think the recognitions I've made are a major step forward. Through recognizing my avidya, I can begin to be aware, make some small changes and when I ask the question, "What is the real source of happiness?" I suspect the answer will be different than it ever was in the past.
Monday, March 21, 2011
When the student is ready the teacher appears
As the happiness project moves forward, several interesting things have happened. I've started to see several things over and over again - which tells me first to pay attention and second, that I'm ready for the information that is coming my way.
On three different occasions I've encountered articles and books that talk about meditation and mantra. Each of them encourage using meditation as a way of clearing out the inner gunk that gets in the way of genuine happiness, which lives inside of all of us. A few have suggested mantra as a way of flipping negative thinking on its head and reframing into something positive.
So, I've decided to try incorporating meditation into my day. I've realized that doing things in the morning as I'd like is unlikely, but I do have hours at night after the Shorty is in bed. So, as of right now, I'm going to curtail activities at 9pm and spend time doing yoga and meditation in my last hour before bed.
I've also tried out a few mantras - while on vacation, my mantra was "I don't care, I'm on vacation" - that helped when the Shorty woke up with a fever on the day we left and proceeded to have a major cold and conjunctivitis that she passed on to me. In terms of regular life, I frequently chant "I love my job and have a boss I respect and admire" and "we live in a home we love that we own."
In my surfing around online I found a book that I'm about to start reading called "Momma Zen, walking the crooked path of motherhood", the summary for the book really resonated and, frankly, I could use a little more zen, particularly in the 5pm-7pm range of life.
So, that's the scoop. I'm feeling a bit more energetic after a week in the warm sun and being able to be outside daily since being home. The kiddo is in a good sleep phase of 7pm-7am and so am I!
On three different occasions I've encountered articles and books that talk about meditation and mantra. Each of them encourage using meditation as a way of clearing out the inner gunk that gets in the way of genuine happiness, which lives inside of all of us. A few have suggested mantra as a way of flipping negative thinking on its head and reframing into something positive.
So, I've decided to try incorporating meditation into my day. I've realized that doing things in the morning as I'd like is unlikely, but I do have hours at night after the Shorty is in bed. So, as of right now, I'm going to curtail activities at 9pm and spend time doing yoga and meditation in my last hour before bed.
I've also tried out a few mantras - while on vacation, my mantra was "I don't care, I'm on vacation" - that helped when the Shorty woke up with a fever on the day we left and proceeded to have a major cold and conjunctivitis that she passed on to me. In terms of regular life, I frequently chant "I love my job and have a boss I respect and admire" and "we live in a home we love that we own."
In my surfing around online I found a book that I'm about to start reading called "Momma Zen, walking the crooked path of motherhood", the summary for the book really resonated and, frankly, I could use a little more zen, particularly in the 5pm-7pm range of life.
So, that's the scoop. I'm feeling a bit more energetic after a week in the warm sun and being able to be outside daily since being home. The kiddo is in a good sleep phase of 7pm-7am and so am I!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Week 1
It is the end of week one of my energy portion of the happiness project. I decided that the first week of every month is going to be about observing to really see my behavior and then the following 3 weeks will be about trying to modify things.
I'm happy to say I napped twice. I'm sorry to say that the naps were more necessary than I wished due to not having a single night of uninterrupted sleep during the week. Last night was the best night when I got to sleep from about 10:15pm-5am AND I napped from 12-1 in the afternoon today. I have energy tonight in a way I don't usually. Really, I need about 8 hours of sleep and even on one of the Shorty's good nights I end up about an hour short. I did really pay attention to how I felt and am more convinced than ever of the effect not enough sleep has on me = go to very dark, yucky emotional place when undercooked sleep-wise.
I haven't had a book to read this week, but I did put one down that I started and didn't like which was not what I would have done in the past. I have a request from the library to pick up and will also get a few books to take on vacation with me.
In terms of getting out of the house, Friday was staring me down like a wide open sink hole. I was exhausted but knew hanging around inside would just suck me down further so we piled in the car and went to NH to visit my mom. It was the perfect way to spend the day. It was even nice enough to walk outside - two wins!
Eating. Ah, eating. I can really see now how in the habit I am of grabbing crackers as a snack. I've worked at getting fruit out of the plastic grocery bags and keeping the refrigerator somewhat organized so things are reachable. I also bought Greek style yogurt which is loaded with protein and will hopefully keep me full a little longer. I've also found some possible solutions to the dinner/tantrum dilemma and at the top of the list is to leave the little bugger at daycare longer so I can get dinner prepared without someone scream crying at my feet. I still ate sugary things, but less so and definitely felt better. There's work to be done on the water consumption but it was better this week.
For exercise, I was able to walk outside several days with the kiddo and went to the gym on Tuesday morning. Thursday night I was so tired that I didn't go to yoga (was also feeling horrible from getting my period - more on that in a bit), but did do some small home practice during the week. The thought of nicer weather makes me happy. Getting in a half hour walk is enough for me. I'm not training for anything or even holding onto aspirations of being über fit at this point.
Act like I have more energy...that's a tough one. I remember my mom saying to me once "well, Sarah, one always knows where they stand with you." I'm sure that wasn't meant in an entirely nice way, but it is true. I have a hard time faking an emotion I don't feel. I did attempt cheer a few times when there was wailing in the home, but a few times I gave in and allowed my frustration to show. In general I'm trying to turn up the positive talk to silence the negativity that starts to shout when I am overtired.
One of my commandments is to identify a problem as you have a better chance of finding a solution. After having the Shorty I got an IUD. It seemed like the perfect thing. My intention was to leave it in until I wanted to get pregnant again, or not, but either way I was covered for up to 10 years. Score. Except, it has made my periods unbearable emotionally and physically. So, after suffering through this week, I realized I didn't need to keep suffering and I could just get the sucker removed. Scheduled for March 22. Done.
Another problem I identified is the child's poor sleep and the relation to frequent bouts with middle of the night starvation We eat a pretty low fat diet in this house and so does the child. So, I decided to see about incorporating some more fat into her diet, particularly at night to try and keep her little tummy a little fuller overnight. It is hard to come up with non-sugary fat heavy treats, but butter on the bread, salmon with lemon dill sauce and chocolate pudding were all added in this weekend and she slept better than she has all week.
The bed was made most days, but not every one. I did do better with doing tasks that take less than a minute - putting clothes away at night, taking the recycling out on my way to pick up, etc.
All in all it was an interesting week. On to week two.
I'm happy to say I napped twice. I'm sorry to say that the naps were more necessary than I wished due to not having a single night of uninterrupted sleep during the week. Last night was the best night when I got to sleep from about 10:15pm-5am AND I napped from 12-1 in the afternoon today. I have energy tonight in a way I don't usually. Really, I need about 8 hours of sleep and even on one of the Shorty's good nights I end up about an hour short. I did really pay attention to how I felt and am more convinced than ever of the effect not enough sleep has on me = go to very dark, yucky emotional place when undercooked sleep-wise.
I haven't had a book to read this week, but I did put one down that I started and didn't like which was not what I would have done in the past. I have a request from the library to pick up and will also get a few books to take on vacation with me.
In terms of getting out of the house, Friday was staring me down like a wide open sink hole. I was exhausted but knew hanging around inside would just suck me down further so we piled in the car and went to NH to visit my mom. It was the perfect way to spend the day. It was even nice enough to walk outside - two wins!
Eating. Ah, eating. I can really see now how in the habit I am of grabbing crackers as a snack. I've worked at getting fruit out of the plastic grocery bags and keeping the refrigerator somewhat organized so things are reachable. I also bought Greek style yogurt which is loaded with protein and will hopefully keep me full a little longer. I've also found some possible solutions to the dinner/tantrum dilemma and at the top of the list is to leave the little bugger at daycare longer so I can get dinner prepared without someone scream crying at my feet. I still ate sugary things, but less so and definitely felt better. There's work to be done on the water consumption but it was better this week.
For exercise, I was able to walk outside several days with the kiddo and went to the gym on Tuesday morning. Thursday night I was so tired that I didn't go to yoga (was also feeling horrible from getting my period - more on that in a bit), but did do some small home practice during the week. The thought of nicer weather makes me happy. Getting in a half hour walk is enough for me. I'm not training for anything or even holding onto aspirations of being über fit at this point.
Act like I have more energy...that's a tough one. I remember my mom saying to me once "well, Sarah, one always knows where they stand with you." I'm sure that wasn't meant in an entirely nice way, but it is true. I have a hard time faking an emotion I don't feel. I did attempt cheer a few times when there was wailing in the home, but a few times I gave in and allowed my frustration to show. In general I'm trying to turn up the positive talk to silence the negativity that starts to shout when I am overtired.
One of my commandments is to identify a problem as you have a better chance of finding a solution. After having the Shorty I got an IUD. It seemed like the perfect thing. My intention was to leave it in until I wanted to get pregnant again, or not, but either way I was covered for up to 10 years. Score. Except, it has made my periods unbearable emotionally and physically. So, after suffering through this week, I realized I didn't need to keep suffering and I could just get the sucker removed. Scheduled for March 22. Done.
Another problem I identified is the child's poor sleep and the relation to frequent bouts with middle of the night starvation We eat a pretty low fat diet in this house and so does the child. So, I decided to see about incorporating some more fat into her diet, particularly at night to try and keep her little tummy a little fuller overnight. It is hard to come up with non-sugary fat heavy treats, but butter on the bread, salmon with lemon dill sauce and chocolate pudding were all added in this weekend and she slept better than she has all week.
The bed was made most days, but not every one. I did do better with doing tasks that take less than a minute - putting clothes away at night, taking the recycling out on my way to pick up, etc.
All in all it was an interesting week. On to week two.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
ENERGY!
The word just needs an exclamation point at the end of it.
Month 1 is all about ENERGY! It often feels like energy is in short supply in my life these days. It has been close to two years since I had an uninterrupted night's sleep. My body grew another human being and then pushed that sucker out and has never felt quite the same. The busier I've grown, the less well I've eaten and the less time I have to exercise (side note: I feel fortunate to have returned to my pre-pregnancy weight, but for me not eating well has seldom been about gaining weight and much more about not feeling great). I can see areas of my life that feel like they suck energy rather than infusing it.
To refer back to my list of life lessons/commandments, don't let perfect be the enemy of good, I offer my first task on the energy front:
**Instead of ...cleaning up...organizing...doing data entry...watching tv...doing laundry, LIE DOWN and try to nap.**
I don't nap well, but I realize there is value in just lying down and closing one's eyes. It might lead to sleep and it might not, but at the very least you are taking a load off. It is very hard for me to be home and just do nothing when I can look around at the mess and know it needs to be cleaned up. I've always been that person that does the housework, groceries, laundry first thing on Saturday so the rest of the weekend can be enjoyed. I just am a work first, play second person. Or, I was. Now I'm a rest, relax first, work second person. The toilet won't clean itself, but I'd hazard a guess that no one else in this house cares how often it gets cleaned so I won't either.
Second task:
**Always have a good book to read**
Stories tend to invigorate me and getting lost in a good book even if just for 15 minutes is a great pick me up.
Third:
**Go to bed when you are tired, no matter what time it is**
Ten o'clock is my standard bedtime. However, when one's day occasionally begins before 5am, staying up until 10 can be torturous. I feel guilty going to bed earlier and as a result will fall asleep on the couch until roused by some sound and then haul myself off to bed, praying that brushing my teeth won't wake me up so much my body thinks it has just had a fantastic nap and be up for many, many hours.
Fourth
**Get out of the house every day**
This one came about largely in response to the extremely snowy winter we have experienced. Five snow days in Jan/early Feb left me inside all day with a toddler. To those of you without children, this is akin to a form of surreal torture. I am someone who likes to be out and about and so does the child. Together, inside for 14 waking hours is too, too much. Being inside leaves me feeling drained - see above about constantly looking at the mess and feeling as though I need to pick up. Getting out, means fresh air, seeing people, enjoying nature etc.
Fifth:
**On the subject of eating:
Return to a low sugar diet
Return to eating minimal processed foods
Take time to get something healthy - walk all the way past the pantry to the refrigerator
Drink enough water and start the day with a glass of warm water**
For many years I did all those things easily. Then, I got married and the husband brought different kinds of food into the house - sugary cereals, granola bars, ice cream - things I rarely had were around more often and I got into the habit of eating them and other things like yogurt that was high in sugar too, rather than the plain that I ate for years. I have terrible resistance, it turns out, to eating something that is just left in front of me. So I consumed that stuff. I know I don't feel as good as when I was eating actual food that didn't have white flour and added sugar. Don't get me wrong a cookie now and again is totally a girl's friend. But not every day. I also used to drink plenty of water. For almost a decade I took a drug for a heart condition that was a diuretic, so I was used to consuming at least 64 ounces and often more. I was never without my Nalgene. Then, I had a kid and often I honestly can't remember where I left the damn thing, let alone to actually drink from it. I admit that I have awakened in the middle of the night feeling nauseous because I am dehydrated.
So I've resolved to drink a glass of warm water in the morning (gets your system going, to help flush toxins out) (set out on the counter the night before so I remember) and to consume adequate water each day. I've also bought plain yogurt and am working to cut back on processed sugary foods. One thing that helps me is to eat oatmeal in the morning. When I start the day off low sugar, I don't crave it as much - so oatmeal, with a heaping tablespoon of flax seed, blueberries, walnuts and cinnamon is my breakfast of choice. I'm also getting more involved in the grocery shopping which helps me to know what food is around. I am going to exercise my minimal willpower to not just stop at the ritz cracker box and eat half a roll at 5pm in the hopes of making it to dinner at 7:30. There are fruits and vegetables that would better fit the bill and I know that.
**On the topic of exercise:
Walk instead of drive
Go to the gym when I can
Go to a yoga class every week
Fit in a few days a week of home yoga practice**
This is a tough one in the winter months. Now that weather is improving I'm hoping the Shorty and I can get out for walks on Mondays and Fridays and also walk to places like the library and post office rather than driving. The gym is a sad thing for me. I was a 6 day a week exerciser in my prior life. Now I have one week day I can go and realistically 1 day on the weekend. Like I am with cleaning, I like to get up and go in the morning, but now I hang with the Shorty in the morning when I'd rather be at the gym. I don't know that that will change anytime soon, if ever, so I need to work around it. That means going to the gym later in the day on the weekend - my conscience also likes to conserve water and I think it wasteful to shower twice in a day if I can avoid it - I know, I know, shut up conscience. Someday I hope to be able to go to the gym before work in the morning and have the hubs deal with drop off, but we're not there yet. I've found a yoga class to go to. It is a more restorative Iyengar class than I've ever done, but last Thursday I slept better than I have in a long, long time so I'll stick to it. Sunday mornings are the one morning a week I don't have to get up with the Shorty and that is a day I know I can do some yoga before opening the bedroom door and joining the family. So far I've been good about doing it.
Lastly:
**Act like I have more energy**
Fatigue makes me freaking moody. It is no secret. Too little sleep can send me to a dark place pretty fast. From Rubin's book I learned that we have something like 40% ability to control our way of being, it isn't just what we're born with. So, I'm trying to act like I have more energy and smile when I feel tired, be cheerful when I feel exhausted.
There you have it, my plan for my energy month. I'll try to post periodically to chart my progress.
Month 1 is all about ENERGY! It often feels like energy is in short supply in my life these days. It has been close to two years since I had an uninterrupted night's sleep. My body grew another human being and then pushed that sucker out and has never felt quite the same. The busier I've grown, the less well I've eaten and the less time I have to exercise (side note: I feel fortunate to have returned to my pre-pregnancy weight, but for me not eating well has seldom been about gaining weight and much more about not feeling great). I can see areas of my life that feel like they suck energy rather than infusing it.
To refer back to my list of life lessons/commandments, don't let perfect be the enemy of good, I offer my first task on the energy front:
**Instead of ...cleaning up...organizing...doing data entry...watching tv...doing laundry, LIE DOWN and try to nap.**
I don't nap well, but I realize there is value in just lying down and closing one's eyes. It might lead to sleep and it might not, but at the very least you are taking a load off. It is very hard for me to be home and just do nothing when I can look around at the mess and know it needs to be cleaned up. I've always been that person that does the housework, groceries, laundry first thing on Saturday so the rest of the weekend can be enjoyed. I just am a work first, play second person. Or, I was. Now I'm a rest, relax first, work second person. The toilet won't clean itself, but I'd hazard a guess that no one else in this house cares how often it gets cleaned so I won't either.
Second task:
**Always have a good book to read**
Stories tend to invigorate me and getting lost in a good book even if just for 15 minutes is a great pick me up.
Third:
**Go to bed when you are tired, no matter what time it is**
Ten o'clock is my standard bedtime. However, when one's day occasionally begins before 5am, staying up until 10 can be torturous. I feel guilty going to bed earlier and as a result will fall asleep on the couch until roused by some sound and then haul myself off to bed, praying that brushing my teeth won't wake me up so much my body thinks it has just had a fantastic nap and be up for many, many hours.
Fourth
**Get out of the house every day**
This one came about largely in response to the extremely snowy winter we have experienced. Five snow days in Jan/early Feb left me inside all day with a toddler. To those of you without children, this is akin to a form of surreal torture. I am someone who likes to be out and about and so does the child. Together, inside for 14 waking hours is too, too much. Being inside leaves me feeling drained - see above about constantly looking at the mess and feeling as though I need to pick up. Getting out, means fresh air, seeing people, enjoying nature etc.
Fifth:
**On the subject of eating:
Return to a low sugar diet
Return to eating minimal processed foods
Take time to get something healthy - walk all the way past the pantry to the refrigerator
Drink enough water and start the day with a glass of warm water**
For many years I did all those things easily. Then, I got married and the husband brought different kinds of food into the house - sugary cereals, granola bars, ice cream - things I rarely had were around more often and I got into the habit of eating them and other things like yogurt that was high in sugar too, rather than the plain that I ate for years. I have terrible resistance, it turns out, to eating something that is just left in front of me. So I consumed that stuff. I know I don't feel as good as when I was eating actual food that didn't have white flour and added sugar. Don't get me wrong a cookie now and again is totally a girl's friend. But not every day. I also used to drink plenty of water. For almost a decade I took a drug for a heart condition that was a diuretic, so I was used to consuming at least 64 ounces and often more. I was never without my Nalgene. Then, I had a kid and often I honestly can't remember where I left the damn thing, let alone to actually drink from it. I admit that I have awakened in the middle of the night feeling nauseous because I am dehydrated.
So I've resolved to drink a glass of warm water in the morning (gets your system going, to help flush toxins out) (set out on the counter the night before so I remember) and to consume adequate water each day. I've also bought plain yogurt and am working to cut back on processed sugary foods. One thing that helps me is to eat oatmeal in the morning. When I start the day off low sugar, I don't crave it as much - so oatmeal, with a heaping tablespoon of flax seed, blueberries, walnuts and cinnamon is my breakfast of choice. I'm also getting more involved in the grocery shopping which helps me to know what food is around. I am going to exercise my minimal willpower to not just stop at the ritz cracker box and eat half a roll at 5pm in the hopes of making it to dinner at 7:30. There are fruits and vegetables that would better fit the bill and I know that.
**On the topic of exercise:
Walk instead of drive
Go to the gym when I can
Go to a yoga class every week
Fit in a few days a week of home yoga practice**
This is a tough one in the winter months. Now that weather is improving I'm hoping the Shorty and I can get out for walks on Mondays and Fridays and also walk to places like the library and post office rather than driving. The gym is a sad thing for me. I was a 6 day a week exerciser in my prior life. Now I have one week day I can go and realistically 1 day on the weekend. Like I am with cleaning, I like to get up and go in the morning, but now I hang with the Shorty in the morning when I'd rather be at the gym. I don't know that that will change anytime soon, if ever, so I need to work around it. That means going to the gym later in the day on the weekend - my conscience also likes to conserve water and I think it wasteful to shower twice in a day if I can avoid it - I know, I know, shut up conscience. Someday I hope to be able to go to the gym before work in the morning and have the hubs deal with drop off, but we're not there yet. I've found a yoga class to go to. It is a more restorative Iyengar class than I've ever done, but last Thursday I slept better than I have in a long, long time so I'll stick to it. Sunday mornings are the one morning a week I don't have to get up with the Shorty and that is a day I know I can do some yoga before opening the bedroom door and joining the family. So far I've been good about doing it.
Lastly:
**Act like I have more energy**
Fatigue makes me freaking moody. It is no secret. Too little sleep can send me to a dark place pretty fast. From Rubin's book I learned that we have something like 40% ability to control our way of being, it isn't just what we're born with. So, I'm trying to act like I have more energy and smile when I feel tired, be cheerful when I feel exhausted.
There you have it, my plan for my energy month. I'll try to post periodically to chart my progress.
My Happiness Project
Have you read this book - The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin? I came across it in a review and thought it sounded like something I needed to read. Yesterday. The summary is that Rubin was a regular woman who was married, had kids a job and realized she just wasn't all that happy. She set out to research and read and see if she spent a year devoting energy to being happy, she would become happier. A lot of what she wrote resonated with me. Some of it, not so much. So I took away what worked and left behind what didn't and resolved to launch my own happiness project.
Like Rubin, I've identified areas that I can explore and work on to improve my happiness. Hopefully, on the first of every month I'll update you on what my topic is and how I'm addressing it. Some of mine are stolen from her and some are my own.
Here are my 11 areas (month 12 is for putting them all together):
1. Energy
2. Put my own oxygen mask on first
3. Marriage
4. Professional Passion
5. Fun
6. Parenthood
7. Money
8. Friends
9. Conflict
10. Faith
11. Mindfulness
She also generated lists of commandments and life lessons. I liked the idea of that so here are mine:
* When someone pays you a complement, just say thank you.
*Make your bed every day.
*Don't put off a task that takes only one minute (flossing, hanging up your coat, putting clothes away at night rather than dumping them on the chair).
*Tidying up at night and preparing for the next day makes the morning oh, so much easier.
*Don't let perfect be the enemy of good.
*Allow for humanity.
* Just because you don't know what the future holds, doesn't mean things won't change.
* Identify the problem (you'll be more likely to figure out a solution).
*Don't be afraid to admit you don't know something (no one really likes a know-it-all anyway).
*My mother was right, often I am just overtired and a good night's sleep makes everything seem more manageable.
*Take time to observe and assess before attempting to make a change.
*Don't automatically assume someone is wrong just because they have a perspective that is different than yours.
So there you have it, I'll write a post about my first month's topic, Energy, shortly.
Like Rubin, I've identified areas that I can explore and work on to improve my happiness. Hopefully, on the first of every month I'll update you on what my topic is and how I'm addressing it. Some of mine are stolen from her and some are my own.
Here are my 11 areas (month 12 is for putting them all together):
1. Energy
2. Put my own oxygen mask on first
3. Marriage
4. Professional Passion
5. Fun
6. Parenthood
7. Money
8. Friends
9. Conflict
10. Faith
11. Mindfulness
She also generated lists of commandments and life lessons. I liked the idea of that so here are mine:
* When someone pays you a complement, just say thank you.
*Make your bed every day.
*Don't put off a task that takes only one minute (flossing, hanging up your coat, putting clothes away at night rather than dumping them on the chair).
*Tidying up at night and preparing for the next day makes the morning oh, so much easier.
*Don't let perfect be the enemy of good.
*Allow for humanity.
* Just because you don't know what the future holds, doesn't mean things won't change.
* Identify the problem (you'll be more likely to figure out a solution).
*Don't be afraid to admit you don't know something (no one really likes a know-it-all anyway).
*My mother was right, often I am just overtired and a good night's sleep makes everything seem more manageable.
*Take time to observe and assess before attempting to make a change.
*Don't automatically assume someone is wrong just because they have a perspective that is different than yours.
So there you have it, I'll write a post about my first month's topic, Energy, shortly.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Between Myself
Lately a lot of thought has gone into jobs and money in this household. Ben has been in job contemplation mode since the summer of '09. I have been contemplating my professional future since having Ella 16 months ago. I think we both feel a desire to be fulfilled on many levels by our work, but lately, my thinking has switched to include the realistic element of earning money.
While we do fine during the school year, we will face a shortfall during the summer months when I'm not teaching. In the past I've always found some work, but looking back at what I've earned at those jobs, even something like that won't totally close the gap. What would is continuing to teach for most of June, July and August.
What I've also realized is that staying in this field may not be the best decision for our family. If I stay in it and stay at my current school, every year I will start the year not knowing how many students I will have and therefore I will not know how much I earn. There has been talk by the new head that he may cut the cost of lessons by around 20% and that would mean an equal pay cut for teachers. If I have a private studio only over the summer, I will need to recruit people each year - it seems less likely someone would want to do lessons over the summer and then nothing during the other 9 months of the year, so I anticipate retention being a bit of an issue. To keep private students during the school year I need a space in our home that I can use to teach without displacing my family, which is what would have to happen now. That leaves us not knowing what my income will be on an annual basis and the reality is my income is too important for us not to know how much it is going to be.
It will not be long before we need to live in a different space (hell, I'd say we need that right now). To move forward with our lives, possibly have another child (another topic I feel very between on), have room for our stuff and a functional kitchen all mean a bigger space, ideally one we own and that means a higher, more stable income. We are totally covered on the down payment end, just need to know we can afford the mortgage.
Where does that leave me? I am highly trained in this field. I have a kick ass CV with great experience. I'm smart. I'm talented. I have contacted people I know in the field to put my name out there. I've sent resumes cold to schools to see if there are any openings. No one is hiring, save for a possible 1 semester sabbatical replacement at a women's college.
How long does one hang on in a field that isn't giving you the opportunities you want? I finished graduate school in 2002 and so have been teaching for almost a decade (um, wow, now I feel kinda old). I'm at a point of feeling tired of stringing things together, receiving high praise from everyone I interact with, but not having the teaching situation I want.
All that said, the other option I've considered is going back into fund raising and working in development for an arts organization. Doing that would potentially solve all the issues I currently have - consistent and higher income; a few benefits, like retirement and paid vacation time; I'd have colleagues to work with and interact with daily ( the only people I currently see are my students and I want a social element to my job as well). But, those jobs would likely be full time and I walk away from this field that I've devoted so much time and energy to. That last thought hasn't felt very good yet.
I don't know where I'll end up in all this. I'm trying to tell myself to put it on the back burner until the school year ends in May and spend some time in the early summer assessing and seeing where to move (maybe by then my other half will know something about what his earnings/job will be and that will inform what I need to earn on an annual basis). However, as I started writing this at 6:30am after lying away thinking about it, I'm not quite succeeding in that. Stay tuned. Soonish I will no longer be between myself on this issue, I'm sure.
While we do fine during the school year, we will face a shortfall during the summer months when I'm not teaching. In the past I've always found some work, but looking back at what I've earned at those jobs, even something like that won't totally close the gap. What would is continuing to teach for most of June, July and August.
What I've also realized is that staying in this field may not be the best decision for our family. If I stay in it and stay at my current school, every year I will start the year not knowing how many students I will have and therefore I will not know how much I earn. There has been talk by the new head that he may cut the cost of lessons by around 20% and that would mean an equal pay cut for teachers. If I have a private studio only over the summer, I will need to recruit people each year - it seems less likely someone would want to do lessons over the summer and then nothing during the other 9 months of the year, so I anticipate retention being a bit of an issue. To keep private students during the school year I need a space in our home that I can use to teach without displacing my family, which is what would have to happen now. That leaves us not knowing what my income will be on an annual basis and the reality is my income is too important for us not to know how much it is going to be.
It will not be long before we need to live in a different space (hell, I'd say we need that right now). To move forward with our lives, possibly have another child (another topic I feel very between on), have room for our stuff and a functional kitchen all mean a bigger space, ideally one we own and that means a higher, more stable income. We are totally covered on the down payment end, just need to know we can afford the mortgage.
Where does that leave me? I am highly trained in this field. I have a kick ass CV with great experience. I'm smart. I'm talented. I have contacted people I know in the field to put my name out there. I've sent resumes cold to schools to see if there are any openings. No one is hiring, save for a possible 1 semester sabbatical replacement at a women's college.
How long does one hang on in a field that isn't giving you the opportunities you want? I finished graduate school in 2002 and so have been teaching for almost a decade (um, wow, now I feel kinda old). I'm at a point of feeling tired of stringing things together, receiving high praise from everyone I interact with, but not having the teaching situation I want.
All that said, the other option I've considered is going back into fund raising and working in development for an arts organization. Doing that would potentially solve all the issues I currently have - consistent and higher income; a few benefits, like retirement and paid vacation time; I'd have colleagues to work with and interact with daily ( the only people I currently see are my students and I want a social element to my job as well). But, those jobs would likely be full time and I walk away from this field that I've devoted so much time and energy to. That last thought hasn't felt very good yet.
I don't know where I'll end up in all this. I'm trying to tell myself to put it on the back burner until the school year ends in May and spend some time in the early summer assessing and seeing where to move (maybe by then my other half will know something about what his earnings/job will be and that will inform what I need to earn on an annual basis). However, as I started writing this at 6:30am after lying away thinking about it, I'm not quite succeeding in that. Stay tuned. Soonish I will no longer be between myself on this issue, I'm sure.
Friday, February 4, 2011
My New Babysitter
Oh, how the righteous have fallen. The child is watching television. Well, she's watching a DVD of the Wiggles. I never thought my kids would watch TV until they were at least 4 or 5 and then it would be Sesame Street or nothing. I had such lofty ideals. Then, my sister in law passed on her kid's copy of a Wiggles DVD, we got 70 inches of snow in about a month and in the interest of saving my sanity I agreed to let her watch it.
I can't stand listening to it. It grates on me. I don't mind the kids music CDs that we have, but this is not my favorite. However, she LOVES it. In fact, now, when in the living room, the first thing she does is run over to the entertainment center, pull on the knob and repeatedly say "yeah, yeah, yeah," at the top of her lungs which is how she tells you she wants something. If you say no, she cries. A lot. And you have to physically remove her from the room to keep it from going on.
The one advantage of this that I've discerned thus far is that I can put it on and then go in to get her dinner together and she is willing to watch it without me in the room. That also means she doesn't cling to my leg and sob while I put dinner together so I'll take it. On a few occasions I've put it in and then rolled out my yoga mat and done my practice next to her while she watches. If doing yoga to the Wiggles isn't the definition of practicing amidst the chaos, I don't know what is.
I realize that at a certain point she will just start watching television along with the rest of the free world, but I'm hoping to delay that a bit. Like, say, until the next 20 inch snow storm comes along. Then its all PBS, all day long.
I can't stand listening to it. It grates on me. I don't mind the kids music CDs that we have, but this is not my favorite. However, she LOVES it. In fact, now, when in the living room, the first thing she does is run over to the entertainment center, pull on the knob and repeatedly say "yeah, yeah, yeah," at the top of her lungs which is how she tells you she wants something. If you say no, she cries. A lot. And you have to physically remove her from the room to keep it from going on.
The one advantage of this that I've discerned thus far is that I can put it on and then go in to get her dinner together and she is willing to watch it without me in the room. That also means she doesn't cling to my leg and sob while I put dinner together so I'll take it. On a few occasions I've put it in and then rolled out my yoga mat and done my practice next to her while she watches. If doing yoga to the Wiggles isn't the definition of practicing amidst the chaos, I don't know what is.
I realize that at a certain point she will just start watching television along with the rest of the free world, but I'm hoping to delay that a bit. Like, say, until the next 20 inch snow storm comes along. Then its all PBS, all day long.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Gah.
Okay ladies, I have a question. This may be a topic you don't care to discuss, but could someone please tell me if you have mastered the art of changing a tampon WHILE you have a toddler with grabby little fingers in the room with you????
Sigh. How long 'til I once again get to go to the bathroom alone?
Sigh. How long 'til I once again get to go to the bathroom alone?
Monday, January 17, 2011
Rigidity
My earlier post left me wondering what it was the was holding me back from doing things that I really like, like singing, but I could also add in yoga, quilting, etc.
The February issue of Yoga Journal arrived and one of the feature articles is Get Back on the Mat and it focuses on returning to a daily home yoga practice. As I read through it, I found myself identifying with the woman writing the article.
The opening line "what is yoga without practice?" resonated deeply. I have wondered that myself for the past many months. I have no regular yoga practice at the moment. When I was home over the summer, I tried to make time during one of Ella's 3 naps to do some yoga. Then, in the month when she was in daycare and I hadn't started teaching, I went to my teacher's yoga classes regularly. But, once the semester started, it all dried up and I feel the difference both mentally and physically. What is yoga without practice? When approaching a problem in my life I always stop to wonder how yogic thought might inform my issue and the solutions, but that's as much practice as I do these days. I am acutely aware that it isn't enough.
When the article got to the author saying "First, I have to come to grips with the hot mess of my life" I knew this was something I could relate to. She proceeds to tick off all the things that stand in her way of her practice. I can do that too - time and space top the list, but there's also the issue of distance - as in, it has been a damn long time since I've done it so what's the point of going back?
I've been aware of my obstacles but hadn't delved into the 'why' of them. The author talked with another prominent yoga teacher and came away realizing that she had created her own obstacles and it was her own RIGIDITY that was the problem, not the circumstances.
It gave me a new angle to contemplate my own issues, fit them into the rigidity frame and see what happens. Ah, ha, I thought, I can see how I am like that. For me, I want a space in our house that is dedicated to yoga, where I can have my yoga stuff, there isn't a lot of clutter around, there's room to move etc. etc. etc. Well, that isn't possible right now. My yoga room is gone to the kiddo and what I have, at most, is a 'mat space' when other things are pushed aside. I realize that I could pick up the space a bit and create some serenity, but really, the yogic challenge for me is how to be present to yoga while the rest of life continues to happen around me. As the article says "It is better to practice in chaos than not practice at all."
I also want time built into the week where I get a free pass from parenting to go and do a class. The class I want to go to is too early to get to when I have to do pickup and dinner with the kiddo so I've let go of that desire. There's another one I'm interested in, but it is on one of the three nights the Hubs usually goes to the gym. I haven't yet let go of that desire, but I have to admit I don't feel like it is worth bringing up because then life turns into a competition of who's wants are more important and that isn't a path I want to go down. A third option happens during dinner/bedtime on a weekend when we are both home, but it has been made clear to me that dinner and bedtime without me is not something the Hubs wants to deal with, so I haven't asked about that one either ( I know, dear readers, I need to start asking and just face the response).
Getting back into it, is just like singing. I have to shift my perspective to see there is value in however much practice I can fit into the week whether it is one time or 4. We'll see how things roll when school starts next week and if I can work my schedule to fit some yoga time in.
The February issue of Yoga Journal arrived and one of the feature articles is Get Back on the Mat and it focuses on returning to a daily home yoga practice. As I read through it, I found myself identifying with the woman writing the article.
The opening line "what is yoga without practice?" resonated deeply. I have wondered that myself for the past many months. I have no regular yoga practice at the moment. When I was home over the summer, I tried to make time during one of Ella's 3 naps to do some yoga. Then, in the month when she was in daycare and I hadn't started teaching, I went to my teacher's yoga classes regularly. But, once the semester started, it all dried up and I feel the difference both mentally and physically. What is yoga without practice? When approaching a problem in my life I always stop to wonder how yogic thought might inform my issue and the solutions, but that's as much practice as I do these days. I am acutely aware that it isn't enough.
When the article got to the author saying "First, I have to come to grips with the hot mess of my life" I knew this was something I could relate to. She proceeds to tick off all the things that stand in her way of her practice. I can do that too - time and space top the list, but there's also the issue of distance - as in, it has been a damn long time since I've done it so what's the point of going back?
I've been aware of my obstacles but hadn't delved into the 'why' of them. The author talked with another prominent yoga teacher and came away realizing that she had created her own obstacles and it was her own RIGIDITY that was the problem, not the circumstances.
It gave me a new angle to contemplate my own issues, fit them into the rigidity frame and see what happens. Ah, ha, I thought, I can see how I am like that. For me, I want a space in our house that is dedicated to yoga, where I can have my yoga stuff, there isn't a lot of clutter around, there's room to move etc. etc. etc. Well, that isn't possible right now. My yoga room is gone to the kiddo and what I have, at most, is a 'mat space' when other things are pushed aside. I realize that I could pick up the space a bit and create some serenity, but really, the yogic challenge for me is how to be present to yoga while the rest of life continues to happen around me. As the article says "It is better to practice in chaos than not practice at all."
I also want time built into the week where I get a free pass from parenting to go and do a class. The class I want to go to is too early to get to when I have to do pickup and dinner with the kiddo so I've let go of that desire. There's another one I'm interested in, but it is on one of the three nights the Hubs usually goes to the gym. I haven't yet let go of that desire, but I have to admit I don't feel like it is worth bringing up because then life turns into a competition of who's wants are more important and that isn't a path I want to go down. A third option happens during dinner/bedtime on a weekend when we are both home, but it has been made clear to me that dinner and bedtime without me is not something the Hubs wants to deal with, so I haven't asked about that one either ( I know, dear readers, I need to start asking and just face the response).
Getting back into it, is just like singing. I have to shift my perspective to see there is value in however much practice I can fit into the week whether it is one time or 4. We'll see how things roll when school starts next week and if I can work my schedule to fit some yoga time in.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Return to Sender
Today is one of those days that makes me want to return my 'parent card' and just go back to being 'child free Sarah' who has all the time in the world to do whatever she damn well pleases. Perhaps this is somewhat influenced by having been up since 1 AM with my child who is either choosing to explore the extreme sport of sleep deprivation or getting a tooth. Perhaps it is also influenced by the 20 inches of snow we got this week that has entrapped me with said child for 4 out of 5 days.
Last July was the last time I was home alone for a solo week of parenting. These past few days have made me eternally grateful for my job. I am not, under any circumstances, meant to be a stay at home mom - at least not to a child age 15 months or younger. Especially one who has just dropped to taking only one nap a day, but really still needs two.
Its funny, actually, because I know I do a good job of being home with her. We sing, we dance, we read books, we run around, we bang on the piano, we play with tupperware, we make paperbag puppets. But, I don't enjoy it. I find myself feeling so resentful that I don't get to do anything that I want to do and also feel as though nothing has gotten done (a whole 'nother topic for a whole 'nother post as to why we are so enculturated to be do-ers yet don't see raising a human being as satisfactory 'doing'). That I can't just freaking sit down for 10 minutes or eat lunch when I want to, and not have someone scavenge off my plate while she throws what's on her tray to the floor, or the wall or take a shower without someone yanking the curtain back, thrusting her head in, thus soaking her upper body and shouting "HI" at the top of her GD lungs.
My mom came to visit today which is the only thing that saved the week for me. I had company that could speak in complete sentences, appreciated with a verbal recognition the pasta and bean soup I made and did not, at any time, shit her pants.
I feel small saying all this out loud on the interwebs, because my little one is such a delightful human being. She is generally so cheerful and fun and outgoing. Outside of being exhausted which makes her all meltdowny at the end of the day, she doesn't fuss or cry. She is getting very verbal and loves to try out new words - today's were "achoo" and "arf". Those are frequently followed up with a sentence that makes you want to reply 'meckaleckahimeckahineyho' because that's totally the way what she just said sounds like.
I get that she's an easy kid, but this experience still, often, pushes me to the limit. That's the reality. Parenting is hard. Some days are much better than others. This wasn't one of them. I'm fearful for tonight as I put her down at 6:25 and she's already been up crying twice.
This too shall pass and I hope it does soon. Otherwise this membership card is going back in the mail.
Last July was the last time I was home alone for a solo week of parenting. These past few days have made me eternally grateful for my job. I am not, under any circumstances, meant to be a stay at home mom - at least not to a child age 15 months or younger. Especially one who has just dropped to taking only one nap a day, but really still needs two.
Its funny, actually, because I know I do a good job of being home with her. We sing, we dance, we read books, we run around, we bang on the piano, we play with tupperware, we make paperbag puppets. But, I don't enjoy it. I find myself feeling so resentful that I don't get to do anything that I want to do and also feel as though nothing has gotten done (a whole 'nother topic for a whole 'nother post as to why we are so enculturated to be do-ers yet don't see raising a human being as satisfactory 'doing'). That I can't just freaking sit down for 10 minutes or eat lunch when I want to, and not have someone scavenge off my plate while she throws what's on her tray to the floor, or the wall or take a shower without someone yanking the curtain back, thrusting her head in, thus soaking her upper body and shouting "HI" at the top of her GD lungs.
My mom came to visit today which is the only thing that saved the week for me. I had company that could speak in complete sentences, appreciated with a verbal recognition the pasta and bean soup I made and did not, at any time, shit her pants.
I feel small saying all this out loud on the interwebs, because my little one is such a delightful human being. She is generally so cheerful and fun and outgoing. Outside of being exhausted which makes her all meltdowny at the end of the day, she doesn't fuss or cry. She is getting very verbal and loves to try out new words - today's were "achoo" and "arf". Those are frequently followed up with a sentence that makes you want to reply 'meckaleckahimeckahineyho' because that's totally the way what she just said sounds like.
I get that she's an easy kid, but this experience still, often, pushes me to the limit. That's the reality. Parenting is hard. Some days are much better than others. This wasn't one of them. I'm fearful for tonight as I put her down at 6:25 and she's already been up crying twice.
This too shall pass and I hope it does soon. Otherwise this membership card is going back in the mail.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Arizona
The state has been on my mind, much like the rest of the country, I imagine.
Let me be clear, I do not watch the news. Many years ago I became tired of the incessant images of violence and death that pervade the evening news. Instead, I read it, mostly now on my iphone courtesy of the npr app and the boston.com app and read it sparingly. Well, now, my news sometimes comes from Facebook when people post articles that I find interesting and choose to read (like that one about being a Chinese mother WTH?). All of that is to say that I don't know intimate details of what happened because I don't watch CNN obsessively, or even watch the Today show with its considerable morning fluff mixed in with hard news.
All that caveat aside, what I've read about the Arizona shooting is that the incident has been 'politicized'. Everyone seems content to find blame for what happened in politics. There was an article about how Sarah Palin put a crosshairs on Giffords' location a while ago and people were connecting that with this man's impetus to shoot. Clearly, that was a stupid thing to do on Palin's part (surprise, surprise), but I don't know that is the reason why the event came to pass. I'm sure there's other rhetoric around the political-ness of the shooting, but I don't care to research it.
It seems to me it came to pass because a mentally ill person didn't get the help he needed and was instead walking around in a society in which he could not function. There is such a stigma that still exists about mental illness in this world and that strikes me as strange when you think about how many people deal with it at one time or another. (What a mentally ill man was doing with a gun is another kettle of fish as well). You could look at these issues as political, but I think the larger society can take some ownership here about what ideals we promote and all that.
As most people reading this know, my father committed suicide, now almost 11 years ago. As an adult I always thought of him as a 'glass half full' kind of guy, but I never thought he was suicidal - though his own father had also committed suicide. His action was taken after his second wife asked for a divorce and the reality of his life pushed him into a bad place - his therapist also put him on Prozac which had the opposite effect on him, I'm told by my uncle. The reality is, his violent act could well have been enacted on someone else (wife #2 most likely), but instead he turned it on himself.
Could this young man have made a similar choice? Did he go there that day intending to die himself? How long had he slipped through the cracks and not received treatment for his issues? What was going on in his world? Maybe he blamed politics for why he needed to do what he did. I don't know.
I'm somewhat curious to see what the defense will bring to trial. I don't agree with the insanity plea in murder cases - I do not think a sane person commits murder so as far as I'm concerned it should be taken off the table as a plea option.
The bottom line for me is when I read about these stories and think in a way that isn't political, I find I have compassion all the way around and wish a very public incident like this could open up a much needed dialogue in our world about mental illness and how we deal with it.
Let me be clear, I do not watch the news. Many years ago I became tired of the incessant images of violence and death that pervade the evening news. Instead, I read it, mostly now on my iphone courtesy of the npr app and the boston.com app and read it sparingly. Well, now, my news sometimes comes from Facebook when people post articles that I find interesting and choose to read (like that one about being a Chinese mother WTH?). All of that is to say that I don't know intimate details of what happened because I don't watch CNN obsessively, or even watch the Today show with its considerable morning fluff mixed in with hard news.
All that caveat aside, what I've read about the Arizona shooting is that the incident has been 'politicized'. Everyone seems content to find blame for what happened in politics. There was an article about how Sarah Palin put a crosshairs on Giffords' location a while ago and people were connecting that with this man's impetus to shoot. Clearly, that was a stupid thing to do on Palin's part (surprise, surprise), but I don't know that is the reason why the event came to pass. I'm sure there's other rhetoric around the political-ness of the shooting, but I don't care to research it.
It seems to me it came to pass because a mentally ill person didn't get the help he needed and was instead walking around in a society in which he could not function. There is such a stigma that still exists about mental illness in this world and that strikes me as strange when you think about how many people deal with it at one time or another. (What a mentally ill man was doing with a gun is another kettle of fish as well). You could look at these issues as political, but I think the larger society can take some ownership here about what ideals we promote and all that.
As most people reading this know, my father committed suicide, now almost 11 years ago. As an adult I always thought of him as a 'glass half full' kind of guy, but I never thought he was suicidal - though his own father had also committed suicide. His action was taken after his second wife asked for a divorce and the reality of his life pushed him into a bad place - his therapist also put him on Prozac which had the opposite effect on him, I'm told by my uncle. The reality is, his violent act could well have been enacted on someone else (wife #2 most likely), but instead he turned it on himself.
Could this young man have made a similar choice? Did he go there that day intending to die himself? How long had he slipped through the cracks and not received treatment for his issues? What was going on in his world? Maybe he blamed politics for why he needed to do what he did. I don't know.
I'm somewhat curious to see what the defense will bring to trial. I don't agree with the insanity plea in murder cases - I do not think a sane person commits murder so as far as I'm concerned it should be taken off the table as a plea option.
The bottom line for me is when I read about these stories and think in a way that isn't political, I find I have compassion all the way around and wish a very public incident like this could open up a much needed dialogue in our world about mental illness and how we deal with it.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
What are you waiting for?
This morning I had a small moment of epiphany.
While watching Biggest Loser I heard a contestant say "I just know if I'm given the chance, I can do this". I looked at her and realized that we all hold ourselves back from doing things because we are waiting for someone or something else to give us permission to change. In her case, she could, at any time, have chosen to change her eating habits and go to a gym, but something held her back. Now, here she is on the Biggest Loser and she considers this her chance to make a change.
What is something in your life that you want to change? Can you name it and then list all the reasons why you 'can't' do it?
I can. I really want to be singing again. My reasons why I don't are the following:
I can't practice every day.
We are trying to keep expenses down so I can't take a lesson every week and work with an accompanist.
I'm frequently exhausted from the Shorty's unpredictable sleeping.
I have reflux often from having to eat dinner so late.
When I'm home I feel as though my free time should be spent doing things around the house like cleaning, organizing or running errands.
Well, if I keep up that thought process I'm never, never going to sing again. That doesn't really solve the problem does it? If I keep thinking that way, I'm waiting for someone to show up and say, okay I'll be your night nurse so you can sleep, I'll clean your house for you, I'll be here on the days you are home with your child to give you an hour of time to be able to practice and I'll give you a chunk of money that is exempt from regular expenses to spend on your training. Silly.
There are some negotiables in there. The cleaning can wait or be done slightly less often. We, in fact, have plenty of money for me to use to do lessons, but it will have to come from savings (and, in the long run, if I sing more now I may go back to getting some paid singing gigs to underwrite the cost of my professional development).
The non-neogtiables have to do with the kiddo. Someday she will be a more consistent sleeper, but right now, it seems as though a few days after we enter a good stretch, she gets a cold, a tooth, doesn't nap well and therefore doesn't sleep well. The reality is I've functioned ok while being really tired and if I'm too tired, I should nap rather than practice. While I'm home with her, it is hard to practice. She's on the move, but I could try 10 minutes of vocalizing while she buzzes around and then spend some time singing songs with her so I'm using my voice.
I believe firmly in working hard to be good at something, but I can sing and perform even if I'm not practicing every day. I bet, as I get close to a performance, I could call on my network to take the Shorty so I could have more time to prepare.
Intellectually I get ALL of the above. So what is it that is holding me back? I gotta contemplate that one, but I'm tired of waiting.
While watching Biggest Loser I heard a contestant say "I just know if I'm given the chance, I can do this". I looked at her and realized that we all hold ourselves back from doing things because we are waiting for someone or something else to give us permission to change. In her case, she could, at any time, have chosen to change her eating habits and go to a gym, but something held her back. Now, here she is on the Biggest Loser and she considers this her chance to make a change.
What is something in your life that you want to change? Can you name it and then list all the reasons why you 'can't' do it?
I can. I really want to be singing again. My reasons why I don't are the following:
I can't practice every day.
We are trying to keep expenses down so I can't take a lesson every week and work with an accompanist.
I'm frequently exhausted from the Shorty's unpredictable sleeping.
I have reflux often from having to eat dinner so late.
When I'm home I feel as though my free time should be spent doing things around the house like cleaning, organizing or running errands.
Well, if I keep up that thought process I'm never, never going to sing again. That doesn't really solve the problem does it? If I keep thinking that way, I'm waiting for someone to show up and say, okay I'll be your night nurse so you can sleep, I'll clean your house for you, I'll be here on the days you are home with your child to give you an hour of time to be able to practice and I'll give you a chunk of money that is exempt from regular expenses to spend on your training. Silly.
There are some negotiables in there. The cleaning can wait or be done slightly less often. We, in fact, have plenty of money for me to use to do lessons, but it will have to come from savings (and, in the long run, if I sing more now I may go back to getting some paid singing gigs to underwrite the cost of my professional development).
The non-neogtiables have to do with the kiddo. Someday she will be a more consistent sleeper, but right now, it seems as though a few days after we enter a good stretch, she gets a cold, a tooth, doesn't nap well and therefore doesn't sleep well. The reality is I've functioned ok while being really tired and if I'm too tired, I should nap rather than practice. While I'm home with her, it is hard to practice. She's on the move, but I could try 10 minutes of vocalizing while she buzzes around and then spend some time singing songs with her so I'm using my voice.
I believe firmly in working hard to be good at something, but I can sing and perform even if I'm not practicing every day. I bet, as I get close to a performance, I could call on my network to take the Shorty so I could have more time to prepare.
Intellectually I get ALL of the above. So what is it that is holding me back? I gotta contemplate that one, but I'm tired of waiting.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Keeping up with the Shorty
Whew. This kid runs now. I can't tell you how many photos I have that show a small, purple/pinkish blur as the whirling dervish trucks along. Her new favorite thing is to look up brightly when she wipes out and shout "Woah". Woah indeed girlfriend. 45 minutes at the gym ain't got nothing on spending a day with you.
We've just returned from time away at the Maine house. I wouldn't say travel with a small kid is relaxing, but it is a change of scene. The only problem with this scene is it isn't remotely babyproofed. There are some plug covers, but no gate for the stairs, a landing at the top with rails far enough apart that a tiny little 14 month old whirling dervish COULD squeeze through and topple 20 feet, 5 bathrooms with toilets with no locks, a Gigundous stone hearth and glass topped coffee table, not to mention a 4 year old in residence with an obsession for Barbie and all the mini parts that go with. You get my drift. I don't think I sat down while we were there until after she was in bed each night. I must have climbed those stairs with her 900 times a day. The lure of Grandma's tub that has steps up to it was also too much for this kiddo.
Regardless we had a good time. Didn't sleep a whole lot, but whatever. Being in a big house was nice as it allowed her to run out her energy. It makes me hope for either a short or warm winter where we can spend time outside. My rule last year was as long as it was above freezing we went out. Every day. Yesterday was 33 so we bundled up and trekked to the library where she could run through the stacks and play with the stuffed animals and I could get some exercise by walking.
I love all the advances she has made physically and verbally. Her little vocabulary seems to grow daily and now she can almost climb up onto the coffee table unassisted (um, that's, um, great...). She'll take her fork and stab at food, often with success and gleefully put it in her mouth. However, do not darken her little fingers with cream cheese or beware the hollering until it is wiped off.
Next week we're starting a music class that I'm hoping she'll love. There's groove in this girl and it is super fun to see. No matter what's going on, if she hears a beat she'll stop and get her dance on. It is, hands down, one of the most hilarious things I've ever witnessed.
As we march closer to two, I'm hoping the "NO" stays good natured and the spirit continues to grow in a cheerful way.
For now though, Momma needs a nap.
We've just returned from time away at the Maine house. I wouldn't say travel with a small kid is relaxing, but it is a change of scene. The only problem with this scene is it isn't remotely babyproofed. There are some plug covers, but no gate for the stairs, a landing at the top with rails far enough apart that a tiny little 14 month old whirling dervish COULD squeeze through and topple 20 feet, 5 bathrooms with toilets with no locks, a Gigundous stone hearth and glass topped coffee table, not to mention a 4 year old in residence with an obsession for Barbie and all the mini parts that go with. You get my drift. I don't think I sat down while we were there until after she was in bed each night. I must have climbed those stairs with her 900 times a day. The lure of Grandma's tub that has steps up to it was also too much for this kiddo.
Regardless we had a good time. Didn't sleep a whole lot, but whatever. Being in a big house was nice as it allowed her to run out her energy. It makes me hope for either a short or warm winter where we can spend time outside. My rule last year was as long as it was above freezing we went out. Every day. Yesterday was 33 so we bundled up and trekked to the library where she could run through the stacks and play with the stuffed animals and I could get some exercise by walking.
I love all the advances she has made physically and verbally. Her little vocabulary seems to grow daily and now she can almost climb up onto the coffee table unassisted (um, that's, um, great...). She'll take her fork and stab at food, often with success and gleefully put it in her mouth. However, do not darken her little fingers with cream cheese or beware the hollering until it is wiped off.
Next week we're starting a music class that I'm hoping she'll love. There's groove in this girl and it is super fun to see. No matter what's going on, if she hears a beat she'll stop and get her dance on. It is, hands down, one of the most hilarious things I've ever witnessed.
As we march closer to two, I'm hoping the "NO" stays good natured and the spirit continues to grow in a cheerful way.
For now though, Momma needs a nap.
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