Return to Sender

Today is one of those days that makes me want to return my 'parent card' and just go back to being 'child free Sarah' who has all the time in the world to do whatever she damn well pleases. Perhaps this is somewhat influenced by having been up since 1 AM with my child who is either choosing to explore the extreme sport of sleep deprivation or getting a tooth. Perhaps it is also influenced by the 20 inches of snow we got this week that has entrapped me with said child for 4 out of 5 days.

Last July was the last time I was home alone for a solo week of parenting. These past few days have made me eternally grateful for my job. I am not, under any circumstances, meant to be a stay at home mom - at least not to a child age 15 months or younger. Especially one who has just dropped to taking only one nap a day, but really still needs two.

Its funny, actually, because I know I do a good job of being home with her. We sing, we dance, we read books, we run around, we bang on the piano, we play with tupperware, we make paperbag puppets. But, I don't enjoy it. I find myself feeling so resentful that I don't get to do anything that I want to do and also feel as though nothing has gotten done (a whole 'nother topic for a whole 'nother post as to why we are so enculturated to be do-ers yet don't see raising a human being as satisfactory 'doing'). That I can't just freaking sit down for 10 minutes or eat lunch when I want to, and not have someone scavenge off my plate while she throws what's on her tray to the floor, or the wall or take a shower without someone yanking the curtain back, thrusting her head in, thus soaking her upper body and shouting "HI" at the top of her GD lungs.

My mom came to visit today which is the only thing that saved the week for me. I had company that could speak in complete sentences, appreciated with a verbal recognition the pasta and bean soup I made and did not, at any time, shit her pants.

I feel small saying all this out loud on the interwebs, because my little one is such a delightful human being. She is generally so cheerful and fun and outgoing. Outside of being exhausted which makes her all meltdowny at the end of the day, she doesn't fuss or cry. She is getting very verbal and loves to try out new words - today's were "achoo" and "arf". Those are frequently followed up with a sentence that makes you want to reply 'meckaleckahimeckahineyho' because that's totally the way what she just said sounds like.

I get that she's an easy kid, but this experience still, often, pushes me to the limit. That's the reality. Parenting is hard. Some days are much better than others. This wasn't one of them. I'm fearful for tonight as I put her down at 6:25 and she's already been up crying twice.

This too shall pass and I hope it does soon. Otherwise this membership card is going back in the mail.