As I have entered into that final year before the big 40, I started to think about the things I'd like to do, try or explore, or, honestly, just get back to. Since I do love a good list, I thought, why not make a big list of 40 things I'd like to do before turning 40?
In no particular order, here's what I've got. I've left a few empty to add as things come to me during the year.
1. run a 5K
2. weekend at kripalu
3. hike in the white mountains
4. perform with todd at a coffee house
5. teach yoga
6. travel to northern ca
7. weekend away with ben sans children
8. organize the basement
9. finish switching to organic cleaners
10. go apple picking
11. write a short story
12. develop a regular meditation practice
13. waterski
14. get a pedicure with friends
15. take ella to the nutcracker
16. get rid of all maternity clothing
17. have 5 outfits i really love
18. volunteer for the natick food bank
19. do 'clean' for a week
20. find a regular yoga class to attend
21. lose the babyweight
22. meet with a life/career coach
23. try rock climbing
24. try rowing on the charles
25. learn more about photography
26. go to nantucket
27. have a twice monthly date night with ben
28. have a tv free week once in a while
29. practice being more open about what I feel and need
30. no iphone use on sunday unless someone calls
31. no talking on cellphone when driving
32. try a new haircolor
33. floss every day
34. take a weeklong facebook vacation
35. have a family vacation somewhere other than maine
36. get a massage
37. meet with a personal trainer at the Y
38. return to singing on a regular basis
39.
40.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
SAHM
I seem to be able to be a SAHM for a certain number of hours each day, but after that amount of time I am done. DONE.
Today, I have both kids at home with me because my daycare provider had her helper call in sick and can only have 6 kids there with her and since we don't drop off first, we can't drop off at all. In the morning we made a shape turkey, hand turkeys, gratitude turkeys, glitter glue pictures and a dot art coloring book. We had breakfast, we made an event of getting dressed and putting in pony tails and we watched part of a Disney movie.
Now, the afternoon hours are waning and there was no toddler nap and quiet time failed. The infant has not gone down for a nap despite being tired (probably because his big sister is pathologically incapable of being quiet). The toddler is yammering non stop, issued most often in some form of whining proceeded by 'mom, mom, mom, mom, mom...'
I'm out of ideas for distraction I'd love to have her run around in the yard but am not really interested in standing in the cold and don't have a warm enough thing to bundle the infant in to take him out too. Every time I have to nurse him she steals my iphone and starts to watch something on PBS kids. I take it away and then think 'why am I doing that? it only adds to my own misery, let her watch!' I might take that thought back when she is 10 and has ADD.
Basically, I've hit that point when I feel like I'm trapped in some circle of hell and there are hours, HOURS before the hubs will be home.
This too shall pass, but not before I've looked longingly at the case of beer in the kitchen a time or two.
Today, I have both kids at home with me because my daycare provider had her helper call in sick and can only have 6 kids there with her and since we don't drop off first, we can't drop off at all. In the morning we made a shape turkey, hand turkeys, gratitude turkeys, glitter glue pictures and a dot art coloring book. We had breakfast, we made an event of getting dressed and putting in pony tails and we watched part of a Disney movie.
Now, the afternoon hours are waning and there was no toddler nap and quiet time failed. The infant has not gone down for a nap despite being tired (probably because his big sister is pathologically incapable of being quiet). The toddler is yammering non stop, issued most often in some form of whining proceeded by 'mom, mom, mom, mom, mom...'
I'm out of ideas for distraction I'd love to have her run around in the yard but am not really interested in standing in the cold and don't have a warm enough thing to bundle the infant in to take him out too. Every time I have to nurse him she steals my iphone and starts to watch something on PBS kids. I take it away and then think 'why am I doing that? it only adds to my own misery, let her watch!' I might take that thought back when she is 10 and has ADD.
Basically, I've hit that point when I feel like I'm trapped in some circle of hell and there are hours, HOURS before the hubs will be home.
This too shall pass, but not before I've looked longingly at the case of beer in the kitchen a time or two.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
So much to say...
... so little brain power.
Sometimes there is so much noise in my head that I can't even imagine what it would be like if I tried to speak even half of it aloud.
It might go something like this:
Good lord.
I am so f-ing tired.
Is this my life?
Do we have milk?
What am I supposed to be doing now?
I should make a list of all the things I could be doing.
Why do we never have any pens?
I should go for a walk.
I should get off the couch.
What am I going to do for work?
Am I completely messing my child up by spending so much time being frustrated by her?
What is up with my husband's family?
How on earth am I supposed to juggle being a wife and a mother and still be just me?
How do I sort out daycare and my work at the same time?
Maybe we should move to California.
Will we ever have money to take a real vacation?
I want to be fitter.
I wonder if I'll ever sing again.
Seriously, that's what runs through there in any given thirty second segment.
I realize as I listen to the chatter in my head, how I waste a lot of time wanting my life to be one way when it is another and how I don't do much to change it to get closer to what I want. In my fantasy life I am super active and fit, I don't eat crap like crackers, I have a close network of friends who have lives like mine (riddled with small children) and we have families we do stuff with, I expand my cooking repertoire, eat organic, make smoothies, always look on the bright side of life rather than bitching about how tired and frustrated I am, practice yoga regularly, have a job I love that brings meaning to my life... basically the life I envision as being the 'perfect' one for me is the opposite of how I live right now.
I've been reading "Buddhism for mothers of small children" and from that I could glean that I suffer from perfectionist syndrome of always focusing on what isn't there, thinking 'if only' then things would be perfect and I'd be able to do x,y and z. I know I do focus on getting things done as though at the end of doing, something magical is going to happen - oh, if only I organize the basement then.... right.
I know I've struggled the past three years and, honestly, going through the rest of my life this way is going to make me and everyone around me miserable. I don't want to spend my children's childhood hating them for being children and being frustrated with their every mis-step as they learn - I am terrified that I am creating a little girl who is going to spend her life feeling as though she is struggling to be perfect so I'll love her. Lord knows what I'll do to her little brother. I don't want to be frustrated with my spouse because I'm the one with boobs who is stuck at home feeding the infant while he gets to go off to work (as though going to work carries no stress with it....).
Somehow accepting the perfect imperfection of my life might be the thing that actually turns things around for me. Just letting what is be what is. Maybe imperfect is perfect. The book suggests that a loving kindness meditation is the ticket for someone like me. I can see how that might work.
Now, if I can only muster the brain power to remember to do it....
Where did I put that book again?
Sometimes there is so much noise in my head that I can't even imagine what it would be like if I tried to speak even half of it aloud.
It might go something like this:
Good lord.
I am so f-ing tired.
Is this my life?
Do we have milk?
What am I supposed to be doing now?
I should make a list of all the things I could be doing.
Why do we never have any pens?
I should go for a walk.
I should get off the couch.
What am I going to do for work?
Am I completely messing my child up by spending so much time being frustrated by her?
What is up with my husband's family?
How on earth am I supposed to juggle being a wife and a mother and still be just me?
How do I sort out daycare and my work at the same time?
Maybe we should move to California.
Will we ever have money to take a real vacation?
I want to be fitter.
I wonder if I'll ever sing again.
Seriously, that's what runs through there in any given thirty second segment.
I realize as I listen to the chatter in my head, how I waste a lot of time wanting my life to be one way when it is another and how I don't do much to change it to get closer to what I want. In my fantasy life I am super active and fit, I don't eat crap like crackers, I have a close network of friends who have lives like mine (riddled with small children) and we have families we do stuff with, I expand my cooking repertoire, eat organic, make smoothies, always look on the bright side of life rather than bitching about how tired and frustrated I am, practice yoga regularly, have a job I love that brings meaning to my life... basically the life I envision as being the 'perfect' one for me is the opposite of how I live right now.
I've been reading "Buddhism for mothers of small children" and from that I could glean that I suffer from perfectionist syndrome of always focusing on what isn't there, thinking 'if only' then things would be perfect and I'd be able to do x,y and z. I know I do focus on getting things done as though at the end of doing, something magical is going to happen - oh, if only I organize the basement then.... right.
I know I've struggled the past three years and, honestly, going through the rest of my life this way is going to make me and everyone around me miserable. I don't want to spend my children's childhood hating them for being children and being frustrated with their every mis-step as they learn - I am terrified that I am creating a little girl who is going to spend her life feeling as though she is struggling to be perfect so I'll love her. Lord knows what I'll do to her little brother. I don't want to be frustrated with my spouse because I'm the one with boobs who is stuck at home feeding the infant while he gets to go off to work (as though going to work carries no stress with it....).
Somehow accepting the perfect imperfection of my life might be the thing that actually turns things around for me. Just letting what is be what is. Maybe imperfect is perfect. The book suggests that a loving kindness meditation is the ticket for someone like me. I can see how that might work.
Now, if I can only muster the brain power to remember to do it....
Where did I put that book again?
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