Rigidity

My earlier post left me wondering what it was the was holding me back from doing things that I really like, like singing, but I could also add in yoga, quilting, etc.

The February issue of Yoga Journal arrived and one of the feature articles is Get Back on the Mat and it focuses on returning to a daily home yoga practice. As I read through it, I found myself identifying with the woman writing the article.

The opening line "what is yoga without practice?" resonated deeply. I have wondered that myself for the past many months. I have no regular yoga practice at the moment. When I was home over the summer, I tried to make time during one of Ella's 3 naps to do some yoga. Then, in the month when she was in daycare and I hadn't started teaching, I went to my teacher's yoga classes regularly. But, once the semester started, it all dried up and I feel the difference both mentally and physically. What is yoga without practice? When approaching a problem in my life I always stop to wonder how yogic thought might inform my issue and the solutions, but that's as much practice as I do these days. I am acutely aware that it isn't enough.

When the article got to the author saying "First, I have to come to grips with the hot mess of my life" I knew this was something I could relate to. She proceeds to tick off all the things that stand in her way of her practice. I can do that too - time and space top the list, but there's also the issue of distance - as in, it has been a damn long time since I've done it so what's the point of going back?

I've been aware of my obstacles but hadn't delved into the 'why' of them. The author talked with another prominent yoga teacher and came away realizing that she had created her own obstacles and it was her own RIGIDITY that was the problem, not the circumstances.

It gave me a new angle to contemplate my own issues, fit them into the rigidity frame and see what happens. Ah, ha, I thought, I can see how I am like that. For me, I want a space in our house that is dedicated to yoga, where I can have my yoga stuff, there isn't a lot of clutter around, there's room to move etc. etc. etc. Well, that isn't possible right now. My yoga room is gone to the kiddo and what I have, at most, is a 'mat space' when other things are pushed aside. I realize that I could pick up the space a bit and create some serenity, but really, the yogic challenge for me is how to be present to yoga while the rest of life continues to happen around me. As the article says "It is better to practice in chaos than not practice at all."

I also want time built into the week where I get a free pass from parenting to go and do a class. The class I want to go to is too early to get to when I have to do pickup and dinner with the kiddo so I've let go of that desire. There's another one I'm interested in, but it is on one of the three nights the Hubs usually goes to the gym. I haven't yet let go of that desire, but I have to admit I don't feel like it is worth bringing up because then life turns into a competition of who's wants are more important and that isn't a path I want to go down. A third option happens during dinner/bedtime on a weekend when we are both home, but it has been made clear to me that dinner and bedtime without me is not something the Hubs wants to deal with, so I haven't asked about that one either ( I know, dear readers, I need to start asking and just face the response).

Getting back into it, is just like singing. I have to shift my perspective to see there is value in however much practice I can fit into the week whether it is one time or 4. We'll see how things roll when school starts next week and if I can work my schedule to fit some yoga time in.