When I first thought about writing this post, I was going to explain how some days I feel like I totally got this and other days, not so much. However, upon further reflection, I would like to refine that statement to be, some moments I think I totally got this and other moments, not so much.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. It was a day when Ben was home so I was looking forward to shared parenting. He suggested that we go out to lunch and then to do errands at Target that I wanted to do. Frankly, I felt daunted by it, but figured we had to do it at some point, so why not yesterday. Everything really went fine. We were out about 45 minutes past when Ella would have liked to have her next meal so the car ride home was a bit screamy, but she handled everything else with aplomb. Her mother though, not so much.
Experiences like that remind me how major an emotional, physical and spiritual shift this is. And on none of those fronts am I totally at peace/healed/tuned in. The trip was fine for father and daughter, but mom was done in by it. I'm not entirely sure what it was about it, but it was just too much for me.
This morning, Ella went back down after eating at 8:30 and with a sudden burst of energy, I did laundry, cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, folded clothes, organized her baby clothes that were new and needed to be stored, loaded the dishwasher and moved my maternity clothes to the basement. In those moments, I thought, yeah, I totally got this. I'm either so tired that I don't even realize I'm tired, or I got an okay amount of sleep.
Now, many hours later, we are into fuss bucket stage of the day, Ben is having to do work to get things ready for tomorrow and I'm feeling like I so don't have this and can't do it.
Yesterday, in our outing I found myself feeling very jealous of Ben. A father's love seems so uncomplicated. He gets to pick her up, cuddle her, love her and change her diaper. There is a clear emotional and probably spiritual shift for him, but the physical isn't there. He didn't endure the pregnancy or labor and isn't having to breastfeed at all hours of the day and night, get spit up on, peed on and any number of other things while trying to provide sustenance to the child all while trying to heal.
Though he has to part from us each day to go to work, he leaves this house and goes back to being the Ben that he was professionally before she came. I know I'm not settled into motherhood, but the person I was is totally gone and I have a very strong sense that I have no idea who I am anymore.
I wonder when all this evens out (in terms of my state, not whether things between mother and father even out). Any maybe it never does. Perhaps that's part of the learning curve, that my role in life will be forever a juggling act between being me, the worker, the singer, the individual, Ben's wife, Ella's mom and any other number of roles that I will play. But hopefully, I will eventually be able to say, and really feel, I totally got this.
Hey Sar, lemme know when you figure it all out, will you? Cause I am WAY far behind you! Girl, one day at a time. And yes, I am singing the TV song. Hang in there. I bet you are an outstanding mom. Just stop every once in a while and remind yourself of that. Then remind yourself that you're a good wife, friend, singer, writer... you get the picture. And when you can't possibly remind yourself of these things, then you need to tell your friends it's their turn to remind you. :) Let this be your first reminder today! I've got 6 hours on you over here, so you should be just about getting up for breakfast with Ella! xK
ReplyDeleteA friend had a baby about 6 months ago and she went through some major adjustments - and still is - but you can see she's getting the hang of it. They don't really prepare you for what is going to happen to you emotionally and physically. I know she's said a few times how she had this relationship with her daughter and it was based on her daughter being inside of her and then when she popped out she had to develop a whole new relationship and was completely overwhelmed for several weeks. It would sometimes be too much for her to answer her phone b/c she knew she'd start crying as soon as she said hello to whichever friend was calling to check in.
ReplyDeleteI think it's admirable that you can so clearly identify with what you are feeling - being jealous of Ben for example - and you summed it up perfectly - he gets to go back to being Ben for the most part. I'm not a mother but from what I've seen it's just completely and totally different for women/mothers.
Like Kristin says - hang in there - you're a great mom and wonderful person and you'll get it - whatever 'it' is...keep writing and thinking and exploring and questioning :)