Doormat Dads

The NYT's blog on parenting "Motherload" has had yet another fabulous post. This one called In Defense of the Doormat Dad.

As I read the post I found myself shaking my head and thinking, 'I believe I've taught children of parents like this at Harvard and been incredibly frustrated by them.' This dad, because of the overly strong method of discipline issued by his father has decided discipline isn't his thing and he always gives in to his child - in doing that he always makes his wife the bad guy (note to the dude who wrote the article: if she doesn't already resent you for this, she will, soon).

It also made me reflect on how things happen in our household. I am, by far, the more strict parent. That is in part because 1. I believe in the power of limits with children - and see them as empowering rather than disempowering, 2. I firmly believe that at age 38 I know better than a 2 year old, 3. I am home much more and deal with the consequences of a child's behavior much more often and  4. I value my sanity.

Just an hour ago, my nearly three year old tried valiantly to convince me that she needed to have music on to be able to nap. That music would, in fact, help her sleep. That this was all issued to me in a whine told me all I needed to hear - her level of fatigue meant if no nap happened the rest of the afternoon would be ugly. From prior experience, when I gave in on music and let it play during nap time (only once), she did not nap and instead was out of her room as soon as the CD ended and was a freaking disaster by the end of the day.

I have seen in our house the role of the parent who gives in to a child's whims and the parent who doesn't and the conflict that can create. For a long time, I felt like the police always having to tell the other two members of the household when it was time for bath, time for bed, time for lights out. It made me resentful. Why was I the only parent who seemed concerned with getting the child to bed on time? Sleep is critical and important to a child's development and mood and to the mood of the mother who will have to deal with said child the next day. Eventually, I stopped saying "okay, it is time for tub," when I wasn't the parent who was going to give the tub. That stopped me from feeling like the police, but it doesn't stop me from wondering why the other parent doesn't seem to see how tired the child is and how getting to bed a bit early could benefit everyone. However, I do realize they have to develop their own way of doing things and develop their own sort of relationship.

What I've also learned is it is hard to be the parent who is gone all week at work, leaving at 8am and home at 6pm and then issue boundaries. It is never fun to the be the parent who says no, but for me, as long as that no comes with a real reason that is ultimately to the child's benefit, I'm okay with it. It is rare that the child flinches when I say no, even when it is issued in a stern voice. However, recently, when she grabbed a knife off of the counter and accidentally poked her father in the arm with it and he said no to her, she immediately sulked and started to whimper. That cut right to the core of him and he felt terrible. She came to me for comfort and he apologized for hurting her feelings.

As we talked about it later and he expressed how terrible he felt about making her cry, I tried to reassure him that he is doing less damage by teaching her things like 'you don't brandish knives and stick people with them', than by saying nothing and letting her do what she pleases. Those are simple lessons she needs to learn, even if they come with a brief crying fit.

When I told her recently that she could not touch the television screen, she replied, "oh mommy, you say no to everything." I stopped and thought about that a bit and realized that I do say no to a lot, but there's a lot of behavior that she'd engage in if there were no limits. I make a concerted effort to say yes to things she requests that are in the realm of acceptable behavior or fun or going to enrich her day - you want to play with playdough while I make your lunch? Great! You'd like to go to the library this afternoon rather than play in the yard? Fantastic! You'd like to watch Sesame Street for the second time today? No. One time through is enough. You'd like a brownie before your lunch? No, we eat our growing foods first. But, if you eat all your lunch, you can have a brownie.

I think we've gotten to a better balance in our parenting of both of us instilling discipline and I certainly have a better perspective on my husband's experience of it and why it presents challenges for him.

For the sake of the dad who wrote the blog post, I hope he learns it is ok to cut short your child's tub at night if it is going to take him past his regular bedtime and that though your child requests you to turn right rather than left on the way home, you might still want to go the way you've planned because a detour might throw off all kinds of other things you (or your wife) may have planned - like, oh, say, a timely dinner that would lead to a timely tub, that would lead to a timely bedtime.

None of us has all the answers as parents but for the future teachers of your children and all the people who will interact with them, please set some basic limits so they don't end up pissing off the world with their entitlement and obnoxiousness.