What are you waiting for?

This morning I had a small moment of epiphany.

While watching Biggest Loser I heard a contestant say "I just know if I'm given the chance, I can do this". I looked at her and realized that we all hold ourselves back from doing things because we are waiting for someone or something else to give us permission to change. In her case, she could, at any time, have chosen to change her eating habits and go to a gym, but something held her back. Now, here she is on the Biggest Loser and she considers this her chance to make a change.

What is something in your life that you want to change? Can you name it and then list all the reasons why you 'can't' do it?

I can. I really want to be singing again. My reasons why I don't are the following:
I can't practice every day.
We are trying to keep expenses down so I can't take a lesson every week and work with an accompanist.
I'm frequently exhausted from the Shorty's unpredictable sleeping.
I have reflux often from having to eat dinner so late.
When I'm home I feel as though my free time should be spent doing things around the house like cleaning, organizing or running errands.

Well, if I keep up that thought process I'm never, never going to sing again. That doesn't really solve the problem does it? If I keep thinking that way, I'm waiting for someone to show up and say, okay I'll be your night nurse so you can sleep, I'll clean your house for you, I'll be here on the days you are home with your child to give you an hour of time to be able to practice and I'll give you a chunk of money that is exempt from regular expenses to spend on your training. Silly.

There are some negotiables in there. The cleaning can wait or be done slightly less often. We, in fact, have plenty of money for me to use to do lessons, but it will have to come from savings (and, in the long run, if I sing more now I may go back to getting some paid singing gigs to underwrite the cost of my professional development).

The non-neogtiables have to do with the kiddo. Someday she will be a more consistent sleeper, but right now, it seems as though a few days after we enter a good stretch, she gets a cold, a tooth, doesn't nap well and therefore doesn't sleep well. The reality is I've functioned ok while being really tired and if I'm too tired, I should nap rather than practice. While I'm home with her, it is hard to practice. She's on the move, but I could try 10 minutes of vocalizing while she buzzes around and then spend some time singing songs with her so I'm using my voice.

I believe firmly in working hard to be good at something, but I can sing and perform even if I'm not practicing every day. I bet, as I get close to a performance, I could call on my network to take the Shorty so I could have more time to prepare.

Intellectually I get ALL of the above. So what is it that is holding me back? I gotta contemplate that one, but I'm tired of waiting.

Keeping up with the Shorty

Whew. This kid runs now. I can't tell you how many photos I have that show a small, purple/pinkish blur as the whirling dervish trucks along. Her new favorite thing is to look up brightly when she wipes out and shout "Woah". Woah indeed girlfriend. 45 minutes at the gym ain't got nothing on spending a day with you.

We've just returned from time away at the Maine house. I wouldn't say travel with a small kid is relaxing, but it is a change of scene. The only problem with this scene is it isn't remotely babyproofed. There are some plug covers, but no gate for the stairs, a landing at the top with rails far enough apart that a tiny little 14 month old whirling dervish COULD squeeze through and topple 20 feet, 5 bathrooms with toilets with no locks, a Gigundous stone hearth and glass topped coffee table, not to mention a 4 year old in residence with an obsession for Barbie and all the mini parts that go with. You get my drift. I don't think I sat down while we were there until after she was in bed each night. I must have climbed those stairs with her 900 times a day. The lure of Grandma's tub that has steps up to it was also too much for this kiddo.

Regardless we had a good time. Didn't sleep a whole lot, but whatever. Being in a big house was nice as it allowed her to run out her energy. It makes me hope for either a short or warm winter where we can spend time outside. My rule last year was as long as it was above freezing we went out. Every day. Yesterday was 33 so we bundled up and trekked to the library where she could run through the stacks and play with the stuffed animals and I could get some exercise by walking.

I love all the advances she has made physically and verbally. Her little vocabulary seems to grow daily and now she can almost climb up onto the coffee table unassisted (um, that's, um, great...). She'll take her fork and stab at food, often with success and gleefully put it in her mouth. However, do not darken her little fingers with cream cheese or beware the hollering until it is wiped off.

Next week we're starting a music class that I'm hoping she'll love. There's groove in this girl and it is super fun to see. No matter what's going on, if she hears a beat she'll stop and get her dance on. It is, hands down, one of the most hilarious things I've ever witnessed.

As we march closer to two, I'm hoping the "NO" stays good natured and the spirit continues to grow in a cheerful way.

For now though, Momma needs a nap.

Well that kinda sucked.

It is the end of the long weekend in the Wavis household and we have survived. Seriously. We survived. What was going to be a lovely long weekend of family time, spent partly in MA, partly in ME, with TWO GRANDMOTHERS to help with the child, was spent primarily in confinement in Arlington.

Let me back up. Partway through Thanksgiving dinner, the hubs turned to me and said "I don't feel so good" Cue the vomiting. Actually, we made it home before it began, but it was like nothing I have ever heard and I'm pretty sure, like nothing he'd ever experienced. Generally the stomach flu isn't such a big deal. You feel like ass for 24 hours and then rebound. However, going into this as tired and drained as he was and as dehydrated as he was made allllllllll the difference.

A few moments after the puke fest ended, the muscle cramps set in. In his back. Like, all over his back, causing not quiet yelling to emit from his mouth. Ultimately, he requested to go to the ER. Also fine, but what do you do with a 1 year old who is sleeping peacefully in the other room? I called Grandma and she and Grandpa hauled on over to stay here. Then, I called 911. There was no way this man was going to get into an upright position and ride in a car. Truth be told, I did not want to clean puke outta my car either.

So, he got a ride in a super cool ambulance over to Mt. Auburn where we shacked up in the ER from 11pm to 5am. 3 bags of saline and 2 kinds of nausea medicine later, we returned home. The hubs went to bed and I lay down for 15 minutes before the Shorty got up for the day.

Let me say that again. I LAY DOWN FOR 15 MINUTES BEFORE THE SHORTY GOT UP FOR THE DAY. Yes, I got no sleep on Thanksgiving night. The grandparents had stayed up until 3 thinking we might be back, so they were pooped and not in a position to really come back and do anything. Fortunately, my former sister by marriage came in the afternoon to take the Shorty for 2 hours and let me get some rest. And, my mother-in-law very, very, very kindly, canceled her plans to go to ME and came by every day of the weekend to take the Shorty for some length of time so we could either rest or go do something.

My tank was feeling pretty empty going into this holiday. I hadn't really wanted to go away in part due to the work of getting ready to go, but also knowing it was going to be less than fabulous sleep for the little one and by extension me. Staying in a non-babyproofed house was also not going to lend itself to my being relaxed. However, I would have taken that over this.

So, here we are at Tuesday and back to real life. It is a blessing that only one of us got this bug and he is more or less back on his feet. There are two more weeks of teaching in the semester and then I'll have a break. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to having some days of being home while the Shorty is at daycare. I can get some Christmas shopping done, we can have a cleaner, more organized home, dinners can be made at a decent hour because I'll have time to prep in advance. I might even, GASP, take a nap once in a while. It'll only last for a month or so, but I'll take it.

I like to give thanks for things on Thanksgiving and this year, I gave thanks for survival. Never thought about that one before, but it feels like a gift to have made it through the weekend.

Round Two

For the second weekend in a row we went to a town where Ben is interviewing to scope things out, have lunch with the search committee and just get a feel for things.

What a difference this was from last weekend. It is much closer (only 40 minutes - albeit in no traffic early on a Saturday morning) than last weekend. There is an actual town with many people - 13,000 as opposed to 5,000 last weekend. There are stores and restaurants and all that located in an area sort of like the rte 9 strip, but then you leave that and enter into this lovely town where there's space between the houses and there were people out in their yards with their kids. There's a new high school being built, there are lots of horse farms and walking trails. The beach is 2 towns over. There's a fabulous Y with tennis courts and a pool.

This church also has a parsonage where we'd have to live, but again, soooo different. I totally fell in love with this house even though it will never be mine in any way. Built in the 1850's it has all kinds of charm, but has been kept updated. Lots of nice space, good storage, 4 bedrooms, 2 and a half baths, a kitchen I could totally live with in a very happy way a nice deck and backyard as well as a 2 car attached garage. I could see having parties here and having our kiddos running around all very happily.

All that said, there are still drawbacks. It is far enough from where we are that I feel somewhat fearful to leave. The house isn't in a neighborhood so easily meeting some people isn't there. My close friends are in the city and while I don't see them often, I can just call them up and meet somewhere easily. My professional life is here and my commute would become pretty long. In general, the time our family has together will alter significantly if Ben were to go back into the ministry. I don't relish not having family weekends and not seeing each other every night. We also wouldn't be buying something which is what we really want to do - having your first mortgage in your 50's is not all that appealing, frankly. I suppose we could buy either an investment property now or a retirement home, but that seems a bit more on the complicated side.

So many decisions and so much information to ingest as all of this moves forward along with a few other professional irons he has in the fire. I'm anxious to begin making my own professional changes and hope, hope, hope, we'll know something soon.

Learning

Yesterday was a big day. We went to one of the towns where Ben has been interviewing for a ministry position for him to do a second interview, me to be taken on a tour (and I know I was being scoped out for my role as his wife) and a lunch. It was enlightening. I think we both went in thinking, okay, this is it for us, we'll love it and want to move here.

The more the day went on, the less it seemed that way to me. This place is remote. If we wanted a summer home, it would be fantastic. Quiet, removed, on the water and really, really nice. But, SMALL. And when you think about spending your years somewhere, that small is not what I want. In our lives outside work we love to try new restaurants, go to shows, hear live music, visit museums. There is none of that there. There isn't even a funky coffee shop in the center of town. There's no Trader Joes or Whole Foods closer than 45 minutes away. The parsonage was by no means our dream home. What I would do for work is very up in the air. I was told by the woman who drove me around that most moms are stay-at-home. That isn't what I want to be and I think that it could be hard to find a group of women I relate to. The school system is good which is great for Ella, but there is nothing outside of the school system to give her additional opportunities. I want her to be in a more diverse area where she can learn about the world.

So, it was a long, 7 hour day of being on and smiling and talking, but it was worth it as we left with a decision for ourselves and more knowledge about the kind of place we want to be to settle down. There are two more spots on the horizon and we'll visit one next weekend. Maybe one of them will be it, but if not, I know the right thing will come along and show itself to us. I think we are both feeling ready to make final decisions on this stuff so hopefully that means the Universe is going to cooperate and show us the final deal soon!

A long, long month comes to an end

It can't end soon enough. October has been a rough month round these parts. I left for a conference early in the month, having just had one cold, only to come down with another that morphed into a freaking upper respiratory/laryngitis-y thing that is STILL lingering. I wake up with no voice and when it finally comes in later in the morning I sound hoarse with all the crap in my throat. Mix into this a cold for Ella that ended up with a fast moving ear infection that caused her sweet little ear drum to burst, a second cold and then, dreaded of all dreaded, a stomach bug this past weekend. And the same awful cold for Ben that he is still fighting.

Okay, those who know me know I HATE THROWING UP. I will do anything to avoid it. I prayed to every God imaginable when pregnant that I would not have morning sickness. In the same vein, I don't enjoy listening to others throw up (maybe from all the years of listening to my brother hurl every morning of high school but that's another story). So, while minding my own business at Head of the Charles this weekend, while out with my friend Lisa, I was amazed to look down at the little one and see that she had thrown up ALL OVER HERSELF in her stroller. Seriously, it was everywhere. She seemed remarkably un-phased as I contemplated what to do and tried to avoid looking closely at the tofu and pear marinated in stomach juices that adorned her like a weird beard.

It was my lucky day that after dropping us off Ben had decided to stay close to the square so he was able to come and get us. She made it home without booting again, but then did like 9 times all over each of us at varying times. We covered ourselves in towels to try and contain it, but the result was like 7 loads of vomit covered laundry.

As usual the whole thing seemed way worse for the parents than the kid who was incredibly chipper in between barfing episodes. However, it meant we had to cancel her first birthday party which was sad. We'll try again next weekend.

She's now back to her normal self, the ear infection has hopefully cleared up, the cold is abating and GOD willing we will all be healthy through the next little bit. Seriously. I don't think I can take one more illness for any of us. Please, let this last week of October pass quietly and have November be a more calm, healthy month for all of us!

I haven't blogged for a while because I've been a bit busy with all the school start up, illness, travel and life fun that's been transpiring. But, I'm blogging now because...well....because I'm procrastinating. Tuesdays I work from home on a data project that I can do at my leisure. Two and half hours in this morning my eyes are going loopy and I'm not sure I can take anymore.

Time is marching on, but I feel like I'm in a gigantic holding pattern, circling around the life that I want. Okay, okay that's a bit extreme, but I am waiting for the *part* of life that I want *next*. That is to move to a town where we will settle, buy a home, contemplate when the next little Davis will join us and become involved in our community.

In all likelihood, the holding pattern will switch on its landing gear (how far can I take this metaphor?) before the end of the year. The 3 options Ben is looking at will come to resolution (and hopefully to a new job), we'll get the money we are inheriting from my grandmother and start to map out a move. A few weeks ago in a fit of frustration with the smallness of our place, I suggested we go to a few open houses. If one particular job happens for him, we would likely stay in Arlington so, we looked at some bigger condos that would be near to the train. Neither of them were really our next place, but it felt nice to look and start talking about what we want.

I am anxious to sort out my own next professional move. Since I'm the one who will work part-time and earn less, I can't dictate where we go so I'm waiting, oh so very impatiently, to make any move.

Over this past weekend I was out in Ohio presenting a yoga for singers workshop and it was fun to be back. The three years I spent there were three of the happiest years of my life. I was so engaged with what I was doing and loved learning new things. It made plain how disengaged I feel about what I'm currently doing and how little I'm learning and growing in my current job. There are so many moments that I question staying in voice teaching, but I know it could be very different if I taught at a different place. Do I hang on and try somewhere else, or get out while the getting is good and find a job that will be less influenced by the economy and provide a more stable situation and make me feel like I am learning and growing?

Plus O Magazine had a section on figuring out what you want to be when you grow up. Do any of us ever figure it out? I don't want to spend my adult days wondering rather than doing, but it seems hard to sort it all out. I just have this nagging feeling what I am doing isn't 'it'.

Now I'm just blathering because my brain is running and there are things I need to attend to: Laundry, vacuuming, making quiche and banana bread for dinner, steaming my head to try and get my voice back. Fun way to spend one's lunch hour, no?