Humpf

I totally had a blog entry drafted in my head yesterday. And, today, I can't for the freakin' life of me remember what it was about. Oh well.

Today is Ella's four month appointment. We are a week ahead of her 4 month birthday, but she's been with us for 16 weeks. Go figure, I know, the math is weird. I am so excited to see how much she weighs - not that it matters, she has clearly gained weight and grown, but I'm curious. Given how small she was at birth she'll probably still be 10th percentile for weight. Also, we can talk about when to start her on solids - the lovely rice cereal goop that babies get. Once she starts eating solids that means the demands on my boobs will be slightly less and I think that'll be the boost I need to get through breast feeding a little longer.

I read a blog entry yesterday on Ain't No Mom Jeans about the political-ness of breast feeding and it does fascinate me how yet another female function has moved from the personal to the political. The Lactation Consultants, heretofore, to be known as the Nipple Nazi's, shove it down your throat in such a way that when you think about not doing it, you immediately feel guilty. Studies have shown the benefits of breastfeeding range from better immunity, lowered diabetes risks to fewer allergies to increased intelligence. For the mother there are benefits of losing weight faster, and lower cancer risks for your lady parts. All good, but can anyone really point to people in society and say "oh, she was formula fed", as though those people have a scarlet letter on their chest? No, of course you can't. And, exactly how much lower are those risks for the child - 1% or 50%? No one ever seems to say.

I admit guilt is part of what has kept me nursing her this long. I have milk galore, but getting it out of me and into her is the challenge. She is a great eater, but a craptastic nurser. I pump (painful, painful, painful) at work so I can provide bottles. I do see how comforting it is to her to be able to mangle my nipples on a regular basis. I also like the idea of feeding my child food, not manufactured stuff that is basically a bunch of chemicals you mix with water.

The bottom line is this is one topic that has me more conflicted than I've ever been. I long to stop, but I don't know how to (no Nipple Nazi will help you figure that out), but I also long for it to become what I had hoped it would be and suddenly be easy, painless and fun. So, I plug away, setting little goals for myself and see how I feel when I reach them.

well, since I couldn't remember what I was originally going to write about this will have to do...