The Future is Now

In two days I will be putting on my semi-professional wear (read: pants with a zipper) and returning to work. A part of me wants to leap for joy at this. I will very happily get on the fuggin' bus and sit and read a book with two hands and enjoy the damn silence. Another part of me does not care to ever return to the world of work. It seems way too complicated to figure out how to get myself out the door in the morning, let alone stay coherent for several hours in a row and actually teach people shit. Shifting my mind away from what Ella needs to what 14 voice students will need is going to be monumental.

It is truly a moment of being betwixt and between. The past 13 weeks have left me unsure of what exactly needs to happen in the morning when one goes to work (as it is, I am writing this in my PJs at 10am because I haven't had a chance to shower. I want to work but I don't want to work. Ya dig? Work is not to be confused with 'time to yourself'. It is not that. It is work, where they pay you to know stuff and impart it to others. I guess being a mom is the same thing except you don't get paid except in smiles and giggles.

Somewhere in my mind, I figured you got 3 months of maternity leave because at 3 months your child would more or less have a schedule and things would fall into a rhythm. Well, that beat turns out to be always changing. Ella has no schedule to speak of other than a loosely constructed, eat when you want - usually ever 2-3 hours, sleep when you want - usually about 12 hours a night and 4 mini naps a day. BUT, sometimes she nurses for a 5 minute snack and most nights she's up only once, but last night it was 3 times.

Right now she still seems so dependent on me that I feel somewhat badly to be leaving her. I think the half days will be easier than the full days. Ben will be initiated by fire when he is home with her on those days. Our moms will be with her another afternoon while I teach. We are so lucky to be able to keep her at home and have family stay with her. Daycare would push me over the edge, I fear.

I suppose this dilemma will probably always stay with me as I try to balance my professional life with being a mom. But, I've still got another full day before I become professional again, so I'm gonna enjoy my sweatpants and midday showers until the very last second.