Gotta Go There

I don't like this, but the reality is, I hate the changes that have happened to my body as a result of being pregnant. I realize the reward of having a child is the lens through which to look at these changes, but it is hard.

For one, my feet. They swelled a bit at the end of the pregnancy, but courtesy of the relaxin hormone, they also spread. Now none of my old shoes fit and I'm needing to replace them. I've delayed doing it and as a result I have several toes that hurt pretty badly. My feet are also very painful to walk on when I get up in the night to go to Miss Ella and feed her - I'm not sure what the source of that pain is. Now isn't really the time when I feel like we have a bunch of expendable income to spend on a new wardrobe of shoes for me.

My boobs. Because of nursing I know they are headed south to begin with and probably will eventually shrink to smaller than what they were before being pregnant. I've watched it happen to other friends and it will probably happen to me. Not to mention that my personal nipple mauler leaves them hurting 7 times a day.

My abs. I have the abdominal diastisis that happens to many women when pregnant. Your rectus abdominis separates when the size of the uterus gets so big that it pushes the two halves apart. The problem is the two halves don't like to go back together so you end up with a poochy belly. I've got pooch. It pooches most around your belly button. Check, got that too. I did the exercises I was supposed to do after giving birth and do my usual set of crunches, but I just read something about how those crunches can exacerbate the problem (how many times can I use the word exacerbate in one post? So far, 3, apparently.). So will I have a 'mummy tummy' forever? Sigh.

My lady bits. Let's just say that they've healed but not really healed. It isn't comfortable and who knows when it is going to get better.

My overall fitness level is in the toilet. Things jiggle like they t'ain't never jiggled before and I hate that feeling. I am so tired and have so little time that figuring out how to get back into shape seems insurmountable at times. Just walking isn't going to cut it. The occasional knee pain that I felt prepregnancy has also been exacerbated after carrying 40 extra pounds and having my gait alter. Sometimes my knee is fine and other times it is so painful I step and grimace. Will I be able to run again? I'm afraid to start when I'm this out of shape as I know a portion of my knee issue is muscle strength/balance related.

I have to admit, accepting that I'm not ever going to have my pre-pregnancy body back makes me feel like total poo. I liked my body a lot before. I was comfortable in my own skin. Now, not so much. I want back what I had before and don't know if it is possible, let alone how to get there.

Okay, enough of my little Friday night black cloud. I'm going to bed.